I've started to be kinda retrospective on the last 6 months of my life. I'm amazed at the progress that I've made and extremely grateful for everyone that's been there for me along the way.
I do have a dilemma, however. The job that I interviewed is bringing me back in early next week to meet with the owner. That's the good news. The bad news is that if I do get this job, it's outside the transportation radius for where I'm staying.
I'm having a hard time justifying staying in treatment for another month and passing on this job. I've been wanting to work here for quite a while, and I don't believe that passing on this well-paying job just to stay in treatment and get a menial minimum wage job slinging burgers is going to be better for me in the long run.
I need an objective 3rd party to talk to that I can list of the pros and cons of each thing and help me make an informed decision.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
And this is where I decided to start a blog.
I'm having a very blah day. I'm beginning to feel stagnant at this current stage in my life. I have a lot of things going on right now, but none of them are going as fast as I would like for them to. I'll be 6 months sober on Saturday. I have a 2nd interview with the owner of the company I interviewed with earlier this week. I have 4 different offers for a place to live after I complete treatment, if I complete it.
Where I am, the travel radius is only 10 miles in all directions. The place that I would be working is 20 miles away. If I get the job, I would have to put someone out by coming to pick me up and take me to work and gas is starting to climb again due to the holidays. I don't have the money to pay for people's gas and all that until I get a job. Good ol' Catch 22 goin' on here.
The four different offers include two sober living houses; one across the street from where I am now and one in the neighborhood I lived in before I came to treatment; moving back to where I used to live, and moving in with a friend that has offered me a place and a ride to work as long as I help out when I start getting positive cashflow.
There are other financial barriers that I have to cross before I can get back to where I was on May 30th, but all of that will fix itself once I get this job. That being said, can y'all keep an eye out for a decent used car with a low monthly payment?
P.S. - It's really weird to write out such long posts now. I feel like they don't belong on Facebook, but on a blog site or something like that. This is an example of the weird shit that goes through my brain. Insight.
Where I am, the travel radius is only 10 miles in all directions. The place that I would be working is 20 miles away. If I get the job, I would have to put someone out by coming to pick me up and take me to work and gas is starting to climb again due to the holidays. I don't have the money to pay for people's gas and all that until I get a job. Good ol' Catch 22 goin' on here.
The four different offers include two sober living houses; one across the street from where I am now and one in the neighborhood I lived in before I came to treatment; moving back to where I used to live, and moving in with a friend that has offered me a place and a ride to work as long as I help out when I start getting positive cashflow.
There are other financial barriers that I have to cross before I can get back to where I was on May 30th, but all of that will fix itself once I get this job. That being said, can y'all keep an eye out for a decent used car with a low monthly payment?
P.S. - It's really weird to write out such long posts now. I feel like they don't belong on Facebook, but on a blog site or something like that. This is an example of the weird shit that goes through my brain. Insight.
Thanksgiving
My list of things to be thankful this year should be obvious as I speak about it every day to anyone that will listen, but let's do a Cliffnotes version real quick:
1. Being alive
2. My chirrens
3. My family
4. My friends (that I have left, at least)
5. My sobriety
6. That special someone that loves me regardless of how jacked up in the head I am
7. Music
8.Mountain Dew
9. Ole Miss Football
10. New Orleans Saints
11. Sons of Anarchy
That's all I can think of at the present time. Happy Thanksgiving!
1. Being alive
2. My chirrens
3. My family
4. My friends (that I have left, at least)
5. My sobriety
6. That special someone that loves me regardless of how jacked up in the head I am
7. Music
8.Mountain Dew
9. Ole Miss Football
10. New Orleans Saints
11. Sons of Anarchy
That's all I can think of at the present time. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went actively searching for quotes that pertained to how I feel about my addiction. This one is amazingly awesome.
"I think that addicts in general have a special way of thinking. We are problem solvers, we are go getters, we are obsessive compulsive beings who, when forced to, always find a way to get what we want. I have learned to harness my thinking, and use it for good. When there is something I want to accomplish, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing holding me back from chasing my dreams."
"I think that addicts in general have a special way of thinking. We are problem solvers, we are go getters, we are obsessive compulsive beings who, when forced to, always find a way to get what we want. I have learned to harness my thinking, and use it for good. When there is something I want to accomplish, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing holding me back from chasing my dreams."
I wrote a lot on November 25th. This is from the 26th.
Today has been a wonderful roller coaster. It started out with me organizing all the cabinets in the kitchen, including wiping them down and throwing away all the expired stuff. Not only was it organized by type of food, but also from tallest to shortest. Can you tell I woke up during a manic episode?
I got an email about a job that I applied for wanting me to come in tomorrow morning for an interview. After figuring out transportation to the interview and calming down, I got a call from a temp agency that wanted me to send in some more information. I sent that in ASAP and the lady called back and said she emailed me some tests to take.
After all that excitement, I rode with some friends to Northpark so one of them could do something at his job, and lo and behold, Adina was there! Imagine that! My friend, Adina, and I walked around and I found some stuff I want for Christmas.
We left there and came back to the house so I could do the tests. I have forgotten a lot of stuff in Excel and Word, but my typing and 10 key are pretty good for not typing for quite a while.
And that brings us to now. You're welcome.
Today has been a wonderful roller coaster. It started out with me organizing all the cabinets in the kitchen, including wiping them down and throwing away all the expired stuff. Not only was it organized by type of food, but also from tallest to shortest. Can you tell I woke up during a manic episode?
I got an email about a job that I applied for wanting me to come in tomorrow morning for an interview. After figuring out transportation to the interview and calming down, I got a call from a temp agency that wanted me to send in some more information. I sent that in ASAP and the lady called back and said she emailed me some tests to take.
After all that excitement, I rode with some friends to Northpark so one of them could do something at his job, and lo and behold, Adina was there! Imagine that! My friend, Adina, and I walked around and I found some stuff I want for Christmas.
We left there and came back to the house so I could do the tests. I have forgotten a lot of stuff in Excel and Word, but my typing and 10 key are pretty good for not typing for quite a while.
And that brings us to now. You're welcome.
Heh...more retrospect.
I'm starting to get real serious about my recovery now. This coming Saturday will mark 6 months sober. Shall we recount the last 6 months? I think we shall...
It all started May 30th around 11a. I had just woken up with a hangover and set out upon my day. I ventured down Lakeland and then Airport Rd. I ended up at Logan's by Tinseltown. I had two 22oz drafts and a damn good steak.
I went on about my business after stumbling outside into the "too bright for my eyes sun". I don't exactly remember what happened from 11a to about 6p, but I'm sure there was more food consumed. This brings us to the sun about to come down, which was time to start drinking according to the justification I made so I wouldn't be an alcoholic. I came into Sam's Lounge to the familiar sights of my favorite bartender and a couple people I knew that were regulars just like me. I drank $2 Pabst Blue Ribbon until I had at least two full poker hands. Somewhere in there, I managed to purchase a few rounds of Jager shots too. I leave around 2a on the 31st. I make it down Old Canton fine, into my neighborhood fine, and almost to my street. There was a roadblock the block before mine. I couldn't turn around, so I faced the music. I was well over twice the legal limit, so I took a short trip in the back of a new Charger. Spent the rest of the day in a holding cell downtown, then when I thought it was time for me to go home, I get on a transport van to the Hinds County Penal Farm. I spent 3 weeks there working off old fines before I was finally released. At this point, I'm 3 weeks clean. Easy math, huh?
Part of my release was Alcohol & Drug Education classes. Once a week for 8 weeks. I met a few friends of friends while there. It was an overall ok experience. This takes me to 11 weeks clean. (That's 2 months and 3 weeks)
I went to my first AA meeting on August 18th. I was scared shitless. I didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic or an addict. I wanted to be Chase. That was it. But the meeting was amazing, and I met a lot of cool folks that seemed to genuinely care about my sobriety and my well-being. For the next month I went to 2 meetings a day, until I didn't want to be on this Earth anymore. I self-admitted myself to St. Dom's BHU and was there for 1 whole day until I was kicked out for a stupid reason that I refuse to discuss. (3 months and 3 weeks)
This brings us to September 19th, the day I was admitted to Harbor House. I was in Primary for 47 days. (5 months 1 week) I'm currently in Secondary, on my third week, which brings us to today (5 months 3 weeks, 1 day).
Voila. Enjoy.
It all started May 30th around 11a. I had just woken up with a hangover and set out upon my day. I ventured down Lakeland and then Airport Rd. I ended up at Logan's by Tinseltown. I had two 22oz drafts and a damn good steak.
I went on about my business after stumbling outside into the "too bright for my eyes sun". I don't exactly remember what happened from 11a to about 6p, but I'm sure there was more food consumed. This brings us to the sun about to come down, which was time to start drinking according to the justification I made so I wouldn't be an alcoholic. I came into Sam's Lounge to the familiar sights of my favorite bartender and a couple people I knew that were regulars just like me. I drank $2 Pabst Blue Ribbon until I had at least two full poker hands. Somewhere in there, I managed to purchase a few rounds of Jager shots too. I leave around 2a on the 31st. I make it down Old Canton fine, into my neighborhood fine, and almost to my street. There was a roadblock the block before mine. I couldn't turn around, so I faced the music. I was well over twice the legal limit, so I took a short trip in the back of a new Charger. Spent the rest of the day in a holding cell downtown, then when I thought it was time for me to go home, I get on a transport van to the Hinds County Penal Farm. I spent 3 weeks there working off old fines before I was finally released. At this point, I'm 3 weeks clean. Easy math, huh?
Part of my release was Alcohol & Drug Education classes. Once a week for 8 weeks. I met a few friends of friends while there. It was an overall ok experience. This takes me to 11 weeks clean. (That's 2 months and 3 weeks)
I went to my first AA meeting on August 18th. I was scared shitless. I didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic or an addict. I wanted to be Chase. That was it. But the meeting was amazing, and I met a lot of cool folks that seemed to genuinely care about my sobriety and my well-being. For the next month I went to 2 meetings a day, until I didn't want to be on this Earth anymore. I self-admitted myself to St. Dom's BHU and was there for 1 whole day until I was kicked out for a stupid reason that I refuse to discuss. (3 months and 3 weeks)
This brings us to September 19th, the day I was admitted to Harbor House. I was in Primary for 47 days. (5 months 1 week) I'm currently in Secondary, on my third week, which brings us to today (5 months 3 weeks, 1 day).
Voila. Enjoy.
I found this picture not long after those long posts were made. Seems fitting.
The point where my brain starts to plan for the future.
When November 25th came around, I spent a long time meditating on my emotions, my current state in the world, where I want to be, and what it takes to get there.
It still amazes me how music can affect my moods. I woke up feeling like an angry black man and I wanted to kill the world, but I turned on some old school Paul Oakenfold and everything is now right with the world.
I never really realized the way that techno makes me feel. It's like a whole new level of thinking has been unlocked and I've been given free reign to do as I please. I don't ever want to lose this feeling.
It's somewhat frustrating that it has taken almost 6 months for me to find a replacement for the feelings I would chase in vain every day for almost 16 years, but I'm very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience these feelings of joy and enlightenment.
Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it deep in my core.
This was just the beginning. The writing bug hit me not long after this post was done.
I'm in a writing mood, you'll have to forgive the stream of consciousness that's about to spew forth:
Growing up, I didn't know what feelings were. Sure, I had happy, mad, and sad...but that was about it. I didn't know that you could be elated about something good going on in your life or perplexed at something that you didn't quite understand. I went on a journey to either discover feelings I didn't know, or to mask the ones I was feeling.
That journey didn't end up the way that I envisioned it to end, but I wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. I learned that you cannot trust someone the moment you meet them; that trust has to be gained over time. I learned that not everyone has your best interests at heart. Most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves. I learned of unconditional love. I learned of pure hatred. These extremes were unhealthy for me without learning of the emotions in between these extremes.
It's amazing how having a child, or children, can totally change the way you view the world. Never before did I know about unconditional love. I never grew up with that feeling. The way my kids made, and still make, me feel is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's truly indescribable. I still beat myself up over what I've put them through all these years. I don't feel I'll ever be able to make it up to them.
Another emotion that I've never truly experienced is the love of another. Sure, I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships that I thought I was in love, but it turned out to either be lust or playing off my codependency issues.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.
Pretty deep, huh?
It still amazes me how music can affect my moods. I woke up feeling like an angry black man and I wanted to kill the world, but I turned on some old school Paul Oakenfold and everything is now right with the world.
I never really realized the way that techno makes me feel. It's like a whole new level of thinking has been unlocked and I've been given free reign to do as I please. I don't ever want to lose this feeling.
It's somewhat frustrating that it has taken almost 6 months for me to find a replacement for the feelings I would chase in vain every day for almost 16 years, but I'm very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience these feelings of joy and enlightenment.
Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it deep in my core.
This was just the beginning. The writing bug hit me not long after this post was done.
I'm in a writing mood, you'll have to forgive the stream of consciousness that's about to spew forth:
Growing up, I didn't know what feelings were. Sure, I had happy, mad, and sad...but that was about it. I didn't know that you could be elated about something good going on in your life or perplexed at something that you didn't quite understand. I went on a journey to either discover feelings I didn't know, or to mask the ones I was feeling.
That journey didn't end up the way that I envisioned it to end, but I wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. I learned that you cannot trust someone the moment you meet them; that trust has to be gained over time. I learned that not everyone has your best interests at heart. Most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves. I learned of unconditional love. I learned of pure hatred. These extremes were unhealthy for me without learning of the emotions in between these extremes.
It's amazing how having a child, or children, can totally change the way you view the world. Never before did I know about unconditional love. I never grew up with that feeling. The way my kids made, and still make, me feel is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's truly indescribable. I still beat myself up over what I've put them through all these years. I don't feel I'll ever be able to make it up to them.
Another emotion that I've never truly experienced is the love of another. Sure, I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships that I thought I was in love, but it turned out to either be lust or playing off my codependency issues.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.
Pretty deep, huh?
This post is from November 14th. This is the day where I personally realized the changes that have been going on inside me.
I don't know what's up with me, but I'm turning into an extremely positive person. I've finally realized that I cannot control anything but my own actions. I've realized that I no longer have to be the coolest, best looking, fastest, healthiest, etc. person. I'm ok with being me. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't like it? You know what to do. You do like it? That's awesome! Thanks for sticking around.
I will no longer fix all your problems for you, but I will listen to anything you have going on that you feel like sharing. I might even give you some advice on the subject from my own life experiences. What you do with it, I honestly don't care.
All I know is that I'm gonna be me. One day at a time.
The end.
Then there's this from November 24th.
I'll continue to go through my facebook and my journal and post other ramblings from within my crazy head.
I don't know what's up with me, but I'm turning into an extremely positive person. I've finally realized that I cannot control anything but my own actions. I've realized that I no longer have to be the coolest, best looking, fastest, healthiest, etc. person. I'm ok with being me. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't like it? You know what to do. You do like it? That's awesome! Thanks for sticking around.
I will no longer fix all your problems for you, but I will listen to anything you have going on that you feel like sharing. I might even give you some advice on the subject from my own life experiences. What you do with it, I honestly don't care.
All I know is that I'm gonna be me. One day at a time.
The end.
Then there's this from November 24th.
I'll continue to go through my facebook and my journal and post other ramblings from within my crazy head.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Now that you've had some backstory, I'm going to copy some of my posts on facebook so that you'll know where my head is now that I've been in treatment. This post is from November 5th:
Life is pretty great right now. I've been sober 5 months and 5 days as of today. I'm still in treatment, and plan to stay here as long as I can. I'm afraid to be on my own right now. Job hunt begins tomorrow!
I wrote in my journal a lot between that post and this one from November 13th:
I have an interview next Tuesday for a high paying position. This is literally a gift from my Higher Power because I have applied countless times before and never got a call. This time I had a recruiter contact me to set everything up. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!
Also, I'm finally getting my meds fixed on Monday. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
This just goes to show you that if you keep doing that next right thing doors that were once closed will open and invite you in with open arms.
I plan on making a few posts from my journal at some point, but I don't want to take up too much computer time from my peers. This is going to be in bits and pieces until I get out of treatment and back on my own.
Life is pretty great right now. I've been sober 5 months and 5 days as of today. I'm still in treatment, and plan to stay here as long as I can. I'm afraid to be on my own right now. Job hunt begins tomorrow!
I wrote in my journal a lot between that post and this one from November 13th:
I have an interview next Tuesday for a high paying position. This is literally a gift from my Higher Power because I have applied countless times before and never got a call. This time I had a recruiter contact me to set everything up. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!
Also, I'm finally getting my meds fixed on Monday. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
This just goes to show you that if you keep doing that next right thing doors that were once closed will open and invite you in with open arms.
I plan on making a few posts from my journal at some point, but I don't want to take up too much computer time from my peers. This is going to be in bits and pieces until I get out of treatment and back on my own.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Every good book needs back-stories.
I guess I should start at the beginning. I was born February 17th, 1982 in Flowood, MS. At a very young age, my dad was transferred in the military to the Tacoma, WA area. I cannot remember any of this, as I was less than 2 years old. Some really shady shit went down and I ended up back in Jackson, MS. Fast forward a little bit to the ripe age of 3. I ended up living with my mom's mom, Gama. She and her husband, Papa, raised me as their son. I was given anything that I ever asked for.
I went to public school in Jackson and Brandon from K-5th grade. I was very popular (if you can call it that at that age). I had a lot of friends at school and in the neighborhood. Starting in 6th grade, I went to Jackson Academy. I didn't really care for it because they were a year ahead as far as academics went and my first year there was made worse when Papa passed away on my 11th birthday. That's pretty much when my anti-social behavior kicked into high gear. I quit doing homework, but made A's on all the tests, so I passed all of my classes with a low B or high C.
In 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes on a regular basis. Gama knew I was smoking and one day confronted me about it. I told the truth and she said she would rather buy my smokes than have me steal them from her. So I've been smoking for about 17 years now. The summer before 10th grade, a new family moved in down the street with two kids my age. I started hanging out with them all day every day during the summer and after school during the school year. The younger of the two brothers, Philip, introduced me to marijuana that first summer. That was some of the craziest fun I had ever had up to that point.
Things went on like that for the rest of the summer, and I pretty much put it down during the school year. Tenth grade was my last year at JA, and I went out with a bang. I was becoming more and more popular, working my way up the pecking order if you will. It was this year, during the football season, that I started drinking. It was a gameday weekend in Starkville. My best friend had friends that went there and had an off-campus apartment. We went up there for the weekend and I stayed drunk from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I didn't know it then, but I was an alcoholic from the first drink.
I continued to get drunk every chance I got after that. I managed to pass 10th grade with a low C average. I think I went off on Gama during a drunken stupor (which would be a recurring theme) at some point during the summer and she packed all my clothes and dropped me off with Non, my dad's mom, so my dad could pick me up. I got a pretty good ass-kicking that night when he picked me up. I moved to Brandon High School starting in 11th grade. I stayed clean for long enough for my dad to give me a trailer and a plot of land to live in by myself. Big mistake on his part. I had my best friend move in and there were parties, alcohol, drugs, and women pretty much every other day. I dropped out of school near the end b/c I couldn't keep up with school and my new lifestyle at the same time.
I had odd jobs making good money for a long while after that, continuing to drink and dabble in drugs. Things really jumped off when I got a job with a collection agency in Ridgeland. My manager and most of my coworkers did a lot of cocaine. I did too. I was so addicted that I moved in with my dealer and sold out of the apartment. I had access to any drug that I wanted. While doing ecstasy, some of the guys were talking about raves in New Orleans. I had been to a couple of them here, if you can call them that. They were more like house parties thrown in any venue they could rent. I started making regular trips to the State Palace in New Orleans and getting completely fucked up.
I got my first wake-up call when I went to a rave in New Orleans one night and had to be at work at 10 the next morning in Ridgeland. The party was over at 6 and my ride decided they wanted to go to an afterparty. I was already rolling balls, so I agreed. We were there for about an hour and probably did 4 different drugs in that time period. We left around 7:30 and headed back. I'm glad I had the foresight to get my uniform before leaving. They dropped me off at work at 9:55 trolling my ass off. I got fired.
Shortly after this (February 23rd, 2002), I met my now ex-wife. It was lust at first sight. She said she would never allow drugs or alcohol around her, so I gave them up. We dated for about 7-8 months and she ended up getting pregnant. We got married December 19th, 2002. My daughter was born less than 6 months later. Things were rough financially the entire time we were married, but we made it. My son was born Valentine's Day 2007, seven weeks premature. I spent every night for 6 weeks sitting next to his incubator in the NICU.
This is where my severe depression kicked in and my opiate addiction started again. I used an old knee injury as a reason to get Loracets from the MEA pretty much every month for around 3 years. As my addiction got worse, my marriage suffered more and more. We both withdrew from each other and barely spoke near the end. We separated in the Summer of 2010 and were divorced in the Spring of 2011.
While my ex-wife and I were going through our problems, I met someone online and became very close to her. She and I became closer than my ex-wife and I. About 6 months after the divorce was final, I drove to where she lived and brought her back here to be with me. And this is where my alcoholism picked up again. We began to go out to bars at least every other night, drinking more and more as time went on. One particular evening that we didn't go out (but still drank), we got into an altercation. I don't remember everything that went on because I blacked out, but I remember coming to sitting on her with my hands around her neck. The friendly folks from the Jackson Police Department showed up and thought it would be a good idea if I went downtown with them. I didn't want to go, so they thought it would be cool to handcuff me and put me in the back of their car.
I got out the next day, was forgiven for my actions, and surprisingly things picked up right where they left off. It went on like that for a while longer, until I flipped my shit and told her to go back to where she came from. That should have been wake-up call #2.
About two months later (Dec/Jan 12-13), I started dating someone else. She brought Benzo's into my life. Woo! That really messed with me. She and I dated off and on for 5 months. At some point when we were off, I went and tried to kill myself. I got to spend a week in a psych ward and I came out as being bipolar. We got back together and I mixed her Benzo's with my bipolar meds and alcohol. That was an almost lethal combination. We finally broke up for good around the beginning of May.
While she and I were off again before May, I started talking to this chick in California and things got serious fast. She and I decided to move me out there and all that good stuff. I sold my car and any belongings that wouldn't fit into a large tote and got ready to fly out there. A couple days before I was to leave, she gets evicted and breaks up with me. This started the ball rolling...
I had about $3k and no job. I put half of that down on a car on May 28th. That night I went to 2 bars and a strip club. The total there was about $400. The next night, I did the same. And the same again the next night. That brings us to May 31st. I left the bar at 2a and headed home. I get a block from the house and there's a roadblock. I blow a .20 and go directly to jail. I was there 3 weeks. I had 2 months of drug & alcohol classes, 6 months of probation, MASEP classes, and fines.
I finished the A&D classes and started going to AA. I went to AA for a month and then came to Harbor House. There ya go.
I went to public school in Jackson and Brandon from K-5th grade. I was very popular (if you can call it that at that age). I had a lot of friends at school and in the neighborhood. Starting in 6th grade, I went to Jackson Academy. I didn't really care for it because they were a year ahead as far as academics went and my first year there was made worse when Papa passed away on my 11th birthday. That's pretty much when my anti-social behavior kicked into high gear. I quit doing homework, but made A's on all the tests, so I passed all of my classes with a low B or high C.
In 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes on a regular basis. Gama knew I was smoking and one day confronted me about it. I told the truth and she said she would rather buy my smokes than have me steal them from her. So I've been smoking for about 17 years now. The summer before 10th grade, a new family moved in down the street with two kids my age. I started hanging out with them all day every day during the summer and after school during the school year. The younger of the two brothers, Philip, introduced me to marijuana that first summer. That was some of the craziest fun I had ever had up to that point.
Things went on like that for the rest of the summer, and I pretty much put it down during the school year. Tenth grade was my last year at JA, and I went out with a bang. I was becoming more and more popular, working my way up the pecking order if you will. It was this year, during the football season, that I started drinking. It was a gameday weekend in Starkville. My best friend had friends that went there and had an off-campus apartment. We went up there for the weekend and I stayed drunk from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I didn't know it then, but I was an alcoholic from the first drink.
I continued to get drunk every chance I got after that. I managed to pass 10th grade with a low C average. I think I went off on Gama during a drunken stupor (which would be a recurring theme) at some point during the summer and she packed all my clothes and dropped me off with Non, my dad's mom, so my dad could pick me up. I got a pretty good ass-kicking that night when he picked me up. I moved to Brandon High School starting in 11th grade. I stayed clean for long enough for my dad to give me a trailer and a plot of land to live in by myself. Big mistake on his part. I had my best friend move in and there were parties, alcohol, drugs, and women pretty much every other day. I dropped out of school near the end b/c I couldn't keep up with school and my new lifestyle at the same time.
I had odd jobs making good money for a long while after that, continuing to drink and dabble in drugs. Things really jumped off when I got a job with a collection agency in Ridgeland. My manager and most of my coworkers did a lot of cocaine. I did too. I was so addicted that I moved in with my dealer and sold out of the apartment. I had access to any drug that I wanted. While doing ecstasy, some of the guys were talking about raves in New Orleans. I had been to a couple of them here, if you can call them that. They were more like house parties thrown in any venue they could rent. I started making regular trips to the State Palace in New Orleans and getting completely fucked up.
I got my first wake-up call when I went to a rave in New Orleans one night and had to be at work at 10 the next morning in Ridgeland. The party was over at 6 and my ride decided they wanted to go to an afterparty. I was already rolling balls, so I agreed. We were there for about an hour and probably did 4 different drugs in that time period. We left around 7:30 and headed back. I'm glad I had the foresight to get my uniform before leaving. They dropped me off at work at 9:55 trolling my ass off. I got fired.
Shortly after this (February 23rd, 2002), I met my now ex-wife. It was lust at first sight. She said she would never allow drugs or alcohol around her, so I gave them up. We dated for about 7-8 months and she ended up getting pregnant. We got married December 19th, 2002. My daughter was born less than 6 months later. Things were rough financially the entire time we were married, but we made it. My son was born Valentine's Day 2007, seven weeks premature. I spent every night for 6 weeks sitting next to his incubator in the NICU.
This is where my severe depression kicked in and my opiate addiction started again. I used an old knee injury as a reason to get Loracets from the MEA pretty much every month for around 3 years. As my addiction got worse, my marriage suffered more and more. We both withdrew from each other and barely spoke near the end. We separated in the Summer of 2010 and were divorced in the Spring of 2011.
While my ex-wife and I were going through our problems, I met someone online and became very close to her. She and I became closer than my ex-wife and I. About 6 months after the divorce was final, I drove to where she lived and brought her back here to be with me. And this is where my alcoholism picked up again. We began to go out to bars at least every other night, drinking more and more as time went on. One particular evening that we didn't go out (but still drank), we got into an altercation. I don't remember everything that went on because I blacked out, but I remember coming to sitting on her with my hands around her neck. The friendly folks from the Jackson Police Department showed up and thought it would be a good idea if I went downtown with them. I didn't want to go, so they thought it would be cool to handcuff me and put me in the back of their car.
I got out the next day, was forgiven for my actions, and surprisingly things picked up right where they left off. It went on like that for a while longer, until I flipped my shit and told her to go back to where she came from. That should have been wake-up call #2.
About two months later (Dec/Jan 12-13), I started dating someone else. She brought Benzo's into my life. Woo! That really messed with me. She and I dated off and on for 5 months. At some point when we were off, I went and tried to kill myself. I got to spend a week in a psych ward and I came out as being bipolar. We got back together and I mixed her Benzo's with my bipolar meds and alcohol. That was an almost lethal combination. We finally broke up for good around the beginning of May.
While she and I were off again before May, I started talking to this chick in California and things got serious fast. She and I decided to move me out there and all that good stuff. I sold my car and any belongings that wouldn't fit into a large tote and got ready to fly out there. A couple days before I was to leave, she gets evicted and breaks up with me. This started the ball rolling...
I had about $3k and no job. I put half of that down on a car on May 28th. That night I went to 2 bars and a strip club. The total there was about $400. The next night, I did the same. And the same again the next night. That brings us to May 31st. I left the bar at 2a and headed home. I get a block from the house and there's a roadblock. I blow a .20 and go directly to jail. I was there 3 weeks. I had 2 months of drug & alcohol classes, 6 months of probation, MASEP classes, and fines.
I finished the A&D classes and started going to AA. I went to AA for a month and then came to Harbor House. There ya go.
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