When November 25th came around, I spent a long time meditating on my emotions, my current state in the world, where I want to be, and what it takes to get there.
It still amazes me how music can affect my moods. I woke up feeling like an angry black man and I wanted to kill the world, but I turned on some old school Paul Oakenfold and everything is now right with the world.
I never really realized the way that techno makes me feel. It's like a whole new level of thinking has been unlocked and I've been given free reign to do as I please. I don't ever want to lose this feeling.
It's somewhat frustrating that it has taken almost 6 months for me to find a replacement for the feelings I would chase in vain every day for almost 16 years, but I'm very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience these feelings of joy and enlightenment.
Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it deep in my core.
This was just the beginning. The writing bug hit me not long after this post was done.
I'm in a writing mood, you'll have to forgive the stream of consciousness that's about to spew forth:
Growing up, I didn't know what feelings were. Sure, I had happy, mad, and sad...but that was about it. I didn't know that you could be elated about something good going on in your life or perplexed at something that you didn't quite understand. I went on a journey to either discover feelings I didn't know, or to mask the ones I was feeling.
That journey didn't end up the way that I envisioned it to end, but I wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. I learned that you cannot trust someone the moment you meet them; that trust has to be gained over time. I learned that not everyone has your best interests at heart. Most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves. I learned of unconditional love. I learned of pure hatred. These extremes were unhealthy for me without learning of the emotions in between these extremes.
It's amazing how having a child, or children, can totally change the way you view the world. Never before did I know about unconditional love. I never grew up with that feeling. The way my kids made, and still make, me feel is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's truly indescribable. I still beat myself up over what I've put them through all these years. I don't feel I'll ever be able to make it up to them.
Another emotion that I've never truly experienced is the love of another. Sure, I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships that I thought I was in love, but it turned out to either be lust or playing off my codependency issues.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.
Pretty deep, huh?
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