Sorry for the long delay in blog posts. I've kinda hit writer's block. Nothing has really been going on this past week. It feels like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting on the next directions.
There are many things in the works concerning me that I have no control over:
I'm soon to be employed, I hope. I'm supposed to get all of my teeth fixed. I'm getting a new car sometime before my birthday. All of these things have me waiting on someone else to make the decisions. I don't do well with that.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Trazadone Nightmares
I was introduced to the sleeping medication, Trazadone, in February of this year. At first everything was alright, but my dreams started getting weirder and weirder to where I had to change to Amitriptalyne while in treatment. Once I switched, all the weird, terrifying dreams ceased almost immediately. The day I left treatment, they gave me someone else's sleep meds and I didn't notice until after I got home. I was hesitant to take them, but knew I had to have something to go to sleep.
It's taken four days for the dreams to return. This is what I can remember of last night's dream:
It started out with me in some type of group home. I don't know if it was another treatment-related home or a psych ward, but it's not important to the story. Byram comes to visit, and I leave the place in the back of her car, covered by my clothes as to not be detected. We end up at some wrestling arena/hostel combo. She and I become professional wrestlers and move into a room. This room had two king-sized beds pushed together, kinda like in Willy Wonka with the grandparents. I was a little put off by this, but I accepted it for what it was. Because I had to sleep closest to the door, that meant that the rest of the bed was filled with people sleeping next to Byram. I was less than comfortable with that. She said not to worry b/c she would never do anything to hurt me. I told her it wasn't her I was worried about. She's surrounded by a roomful of alpha males with egotism issues. I was more worried about them than anything. Things were ok for a while; all of the other folks moved out and some either midgets or kids moved in and asked how much rent was. That was really weird.
Ok, to the wrestling part. I had a meeting with the promoter who wanted to know what my gimmick was going to be. I told him I would emulate Vinnie Vegas, moveset and everything. He seemed to like the idea, so everything was set for my introduction interview with the crowd later that evening. This is where shit hit the fan.
I come back to the room and see the midgets/children pinning Byram to the bed and messing with her. I busted into the room, picked up both of them with one hand and threw them full force into the cinderblock wall. Ya know how you physically see red when you've reached the homicidal point of your anger spectrum? I was there. Before I killed them, I woke up and pretended nothing happened. I was just happy to wake up in one queen-sized bed, with only Byram and myself in it.
I told her that I had a nightmare, but I didn't go into details. I'm sure once you've all read this far that you'll understand why. Trazadone nightmares ain't nothing to fuck with...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Decoding The Journal pt 6
Well, this is the last entry in my journal. Remember when I said I would have a blog post about music? No? Then go back and read my other entries...jerks.
Have I mentioned how vital music is to my existence? No? Well, now I have. Music helps to dictate my mood; upbeat, happy music (mostly dubstep) when I'm in a good mood makes me that much happier. When I'm angry, I'll listen to loud, angry music. I use a mixture of both to help me fall asleep. I normally wake up if my headphones fall out while sleeping. Most of the major milestones in life are associated with a song or artist/group. Just writing this has taken me on an emotional roller coaster with a badass soundtrack. I feel much better now, after writing all of this out and listening to the music in my head battle with the music on my phone.
And there you have it. All the journal entries have been typed out for the world to enjoy. It sure would be awesome if I could get some feedback about some of the stuff I've written thus far...
Have I mentioned how vital music is to my existence? No? Well, now I have. Music helps to dictate my mood; upbeat, happy music (mostly dubstep) when I'm in a good mood makes me that much happier. When I'm angry, I'll listen to loud, angry music. I use a mixture of both to help me fall asleep. I normally wake up if my headphones fall out while sleeping. Most of the major milestones in life are associated with a song or artist/group. Just writing this has taken me on an emotional roller coaster with a badass soundtrack. I feel much better now, after writing all of this out and listening to the music in my head battle with the music on my phone.
And there you have it. All the journal entries have been typed out for the world to enjoy. It sure would be awesome if I could get some feedback about some of the stuff I've written thus far...
Decoding The Journal pt 5
This is where my plans for after treatment start to take shape. Some pretty cool stuff here...
I got to see my shrink today. He was supportive of my progress so far. He told me that my doctor left and referred me to an "addictionologist" they have on staff. I've have to go to a different shrink too. I'm going to miss my shrink.
I met a new friend yesterday. She and I have a lot in common from what we've talked about. We talked on the phone for an hour last night. I don't do that. We also texted most of the day before that. She lives here in Byram and owes me a box of oatmeal.
I know I have an issue with relationships. I always have, but I'm doing my best to slow down. My shrink told me to slow down too. Heh. I've always gone with instant gratification and been burned 99.9% of the time. I've learned quite a bit of patience while in treatment, but I know I have a shit ton more to learn before I'm able to have patience in all situations.
I have an interview with a major cable provider to work in their retention department. I'm super nervous about it. I've put it in the hands of my Higher Power, so I know the outcome is already decided. I had to shave my goatee and sideburns for the interview, so now I feel naked. It seems I always have to give up No Shave November every year for one reason or another. I keep telling myself that it's just hair and it'll grown back. I've almost come to terms with it.
I got to see my shrink today. He was supportive of my progress so far. He told me that my doctor left and referred me to an "addictionologist" they have on staff. I've have to go to a different shrink too. I'm going to miss my shrink.
I met a new friend yesterday. She and I have a lot in common from what we've talked about. We talked on the phone for an hour last night. I don't do that. We also texted most of the day before that. She lives here in Byram and owes me a box of oatmeal.
I know I have an issue with relationships. I always have, but I'm doing my best to slow down. My shrink told me to slow down too. Heh. I've always gone with instant gratification and been burned 99.9% of the time. I've learned quite a bit of patience while in treatment, but I know I have a shit ton more to learn before I'm able to have patience in all situations.
I have an interview with a major cable provider to work in their retention department. I'm super nervous about it. I've put it in the hands of my Higher Power, so I know the outcome is already decided. I had to shave my goatee and sideburns for the interview, so now I feel naked. It seems I always have to give up No Shave November every year for one reason or another. I keep telling myself that it's just hair and it'll grown back. I've almost come to terms with it.
Decoding The Journal pt. 4
This one kinda hurt to write. You'll see why...
I got a message on Facebook from Youngest Bro today. He told me I was just like my father; going to jail and cheating on Ex-wife. That really hurt down to my core. I don't know him that well; if at all. He's passing judgement based on what others have told him about me I understand he's still at an impressionable age and believes everything his mother tells him. I was the same way. I hope that once he's mature enough to make his own decisions he asks for my side of things so he can make an informed decision based on facts, not hearsay.
Other than that, things have been alright. I'm having a hard time adjusting to life in secondary. It's hard going from an extremely structured environment to a more laid-back structure. I think I'll be fine once I'm able to gt out and look for a job.
I'm worried about my mental stability right now. I only had one manic episode in primary, but have already had tow in six days of secondary. I really need to talk to my shrink and see if he thinks my meds need to be changed. I'm freaking out just thinking about it. Could I be suffering from anxiety too? It seems very possible and would be a logical explanation to some of my social awkwardness.
Lots of self-doubt and self-pity. Nothing else to see here...move along.
Decoding The Journal pt. 3
This is a long one...yay!
I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.
Yeah. There's that.
I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.
Yeah. There's that.
Decoding The Journal pt. 2
This is the next entry in my journal. I know this because I started a new paragraph. Beyond this, things get kinda murky. I would rather start where I left off than start a new entry. Looking back, this really fucks with my head...but my head was kinda fucked up at the time.
Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.
Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.
Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.
Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.
Decoding The Journal Pt. 1
I started this journal during my time in Primary treatment. This is going to be the best way to see where my brain is/was/wants to be. There is nothing but raw truth in these words. I had no filter, and I continue to have no filter. I like to think it's my best attribute. OK, here goes.
I really don't know what's going on inside my head. My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I cannot keep a coherent thought long enough to get it down on paper without putting forth an enormous amount of effort. My fingertips on my right hand are all numb. I don't know what's up with that. It's freaking me out. I haven't talked to any female since about the first week here. That's really messing with me too. I went to a conference on getting my record expunged today with some of the guys from here and saw my old psychologist. I sat next to him and talked for a while until a group of pregnant females and new moms came in and sat in front of us. My attention was immediately drawn to them and trying to get them to notice and/or talk to me. I'm guessing my standards have been compromised due to my lack of interaction with females while I'm in treatment. I'm going to try to stay out of a relationship for the first year of my sobriety. (lol) I feel alienated from a good portion of the male clients. Its as much their fault as it is mine. I have issues with making friends with men for some reason. This codependency shit is driving me fucking crazy. It would defeat the purpose for me to ask for help from someone else.
As you can see, my thoughts were all over the place that day. This will be a recurring theme of most of these journal entries.
I really don't know what's going on inside my head. My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I cannot keep a coherent thought long enough to get it down on paper without putting forth an enormous amount of effort. My fingertips on my right hand are all numb. I don't know what's up with that. It's freaking me out. I haven't talked to any female since about the first week here. That's really messing with me too. I went to a conference on getting my record expunged today with some of the guys from here and saw my old psychologist. I sat next to him and talked for a while until a group of pregnant females and new moms came in and sat in front of us. My attention was immediately drawn to them and trying to get them to notice and/or talk to me. I'm guessing my standards have been compromised due to my lack of interaction with females while I'm in treatment. I'm going to try to stay out of a relationship for the first year of my sobriety. (lol) I feel alienated from a good portion of the male clients. Its as much their fault as it is mine. I have issues with making friends with men for some reason. This codependency shit is driving me fucking crazy. It would defeat the purpose for me to ask for help from someone else.
As you can see, my thoughts were all over the place that day. This will be a recurring theme of most of these journal entries.
Quotes
I'm procrastinating about transcribing my journal, so here's some quotes...
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
Inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
“We know perfectly well how to be spiritual. It's being human that we have trouble with.” - Renee Bledsoe
“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.” - Richard Bach
“One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - Sigmund Freud
“The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.” -Rene Descartes
“After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” -Aldous Huxley (this one will be used to make another blog post down the road)
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
“It is possible to be different and still be all right. There can be two -- or more -- answers to the same question, and all can be right.” - Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.
"As you more fully establish the connection of your head to your heart, you will fall deeply in love with yourself. You will love yourself, not in a narcissistic way that is only reflected back to you from the outside world, but in a way that comes from the inside out. It is then that you are open to loving others in just this same way. And that is when doing harm to yourself (body, mind and soul) or to others is not an option.” - Renee Bledsoe
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell
“When a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” - L. A. Rouchefolicauld
There's some food for thought for a little while. Take and do with these quotes what you feel is right.
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
Inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
“We know perfectly well how to be spiritual. It's being human that we have trouble with.” - Renee Bledsoe
“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.” - Richard Bach
“One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - Sigmund Freud
“The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.” -Rene Descartes
“After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” -Aldous Huxley (this one will be used to make another blog post down the road)
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
“It is possible to be different and still be all right. There can be two -- or more -- answers to the same question, and all can be right.” - Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.
"As you more fully establish the connection of your head to your heart, you will fall deeply in love with yourself. You will love yourself, not in a narcissistic way that is only reflected back to you from the outside world, but in a way that comes from the inside out. It is then that you are open to loving others in just this same way. And that is when doing harm to yourself (body, mind and soul) or to others is not an option.” - Renee Bledsoe
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell
“When a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” - L. A. Rouchefolicauld
There's some food for thought for a little while. Take and do with these quotes what you feel is right.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Relationships. I hope you're ready.
I used to define myself by who I was in a relationship. This all changed when my counselor brought the issues of codependency up during one of our sessions. He gave me a little book to read and it immediately changed how I viewed relationships from that point forward.
But that's not the fun part, is it? You all want to hear about all the failed relationships and all the drama they created, right? Good, because that's what you're going to get.
All of this codependency crap started pretty much at birth. You can tell that from the backstory, right? Ok good. So, the first "relationship"...I had just turned 15 and I had this pretty sweet 10 speed bike with reflectors and everything. A girl that I had grown up with since I was like 3 or 4 lived about 2 miles from me. I would go over to her house after school and we would watch tv, listen to music, do some shitty arts & and crafts, and make out. I didn't know what sex was at this point in my life. I was kinda naive, I guess. Boy did she know what it was. This went on for a long time off and on.
There were no other relationships worth mentioning from this point until around the time I started working for Ayrix Technologies (you know I'm a nerd, right?). I bought a computer with my first paycheck and used my free dial-up to get on AOL for the first time. This literally changed my life. I would like to say for the better, but it only brought drama and heartbreak for quite a while.
Anyways, AOL brought me into some local rooms, full of girls/women and guys like me. It was a virtual meat market...literally. I didn't have any relationships of substance from 17 to 19. Those two years were filled with perpetual one-night stands. Healthy, huh?
This brings me to The Baby Mama. I met her in the AOL chatrooms and we decided to go out on a date. I met her at the movies in Clinton. We saw The Count of Monte Cristo (or however you spell it...). She brought her best friend, who was friendzoned from the word go but didn't know it. She and I hit it off rather well.
I was nose deep in my addiction at this point and I looked and felt like shit. She didn't allow drugs and alcohol around her, so I thought this would be a good way to escape that world. I was young and dumb, ok?
A week into dating, I was headed to a EDM party in downtown Jacktown. I never made it. It was raining on this particular night, I was hopped up on coke, and driving a top-heavy SUV. I know most of you are familiar with the High St. exit coming from 55S and the big ass steep curve it has. I hit a pothole at the apex of the curve and flipped my truck 3 or 4 times. The center console ended up 50 yards from where I stopped flipping.
I was taken to the ER at UMC. They did a BAC and tested me for a bajillion different drugs. I knew I was fucked as soon as my grandmother got there. She didn't say a word about it. Ol' girl didn't know how to take it.I had a broken rib and sprained ankle so I was bed-ridden for 3 days, eating Tylox like they were skittles. I didn't want to leave my bed. This is were my love for opiates skyrocketed.
Once I was healed, she decided that she wanted me to move in with her. After twoish weeks of dating. I didn't have a car, a job, or any money, so I jumped at the idea. This signaled the "beginning of the end" as I affectionately call it now.
She and I dated for 10 months before she was starting to show, so we got married. Did I want to at the time? Not especially, but she was pregnant. I felt obligated. Things got better for a while. Around the 4 year mark, I had started to have enough. She was pregnant with our second child, and her emotions had completely left her. It was as if she had given up on life. I felt trapped.
Our son was born 7 weeks premature. He spent those 7 weeks in two different NICUs. I was totally crushed, drained of all energy and feelings. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world was on the verge of being taken from me. I was scared every day that my son wouldn't make it through the night. He's totally fine now and will be 7 in 2 1/2 months.
Her attitude never changed after our son came home for good. My love for her was transferred to my love for my son. He was now my reason for living. She withdrew even further. This led me back to the internet. It was Yahoo Chat this time. I wanted the feeling of being wanted that I had lost out on with my wife.
This is when I met a girl that would change my life; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I instantly felt attracted to her. I didn't care that there was a 9 1/2 year difference in age; she "got me". I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and give me great advice. I started hatching a plot to leave my wife. Little did I know that plans would change...
I became more and more immersed in the chat rooms and some of the people that occupied them. I met this girl that instantly clung to me. She needed what I needed. We could provide that for each other. She said she was leaving the Midwest and heading down South. I finally left my wife, telling her how she made me feel for the past few years. I laid it all out on the table and she agreed on most everything. I told her that I would be leaving soon.Little did she know that I didn't plan on staying more than 24 hours. I left for work with enough clothes to last me through the weekend until I could provide a place to stay for the both of us...and her child. That was more than I bargained for. Things turned to shit rather quickly when I figured out that she was still married to babydaddy.
She left the day before babydaddy got back from Afghanistan. When I found that out, I felt even more like shit. Hello depression! Life was monotonous for the next few months: work, home, sleep, repeat. I was a shell of a person; until previous girl came back into my life.
I had started drinking heavily and in one of my best thinking moments, I decided to drive 10 hours one way and pick up Kentucky. This started the almost 2 year period where I learned the most about myself and who I was and who I wanted to be. Kentucky really brought out the best and the worst of me, pretty much at her will. I was putty in her hands and she knew it. I think she would say that she was putty in my hands too. We each fashioned each other into who we wanted us to be. My kids loved Kentucky, and so did I. I thought I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Alcoholism kinda intervened and shot that to shit. My drinking never did really stop when I brought Kentucky back. It got progressively worse, not to mention my opiate abuse picked up again. I was drinking away any negative feelings I felt and accentuating the positive things. Pretty smart, huh? Things got real rough when I started blacking out on a regular basis. I woke up one time to straddling her and pinning her wrists to the ground. She had bruises and cuts on her face. I went to jail. I vowed to stop drinking, and put it down for a little bit, but went back to being a blackout drunk. Things got tense between us and things came to a head rather quickly. I broke her cell phone into a few pieces and told her to take her ass back to Kentucky where she came from. I thought that would be the end of that, but I was gladly mistaken.
After Kentucky left, I met Maine on OkCupid. We hit it off and started spending every night together after I got off work. Things were really strained b/c of her benzo addiction and my alcohol and opiate issues. We dated off and on for about 6 months. During one of the off periods, I had a mental breakdown. I attempted suicide and ended up in a psych ward. Kentucky was the only one that would answer my calls. No family, no friends, just Kentucky. It really let me know where I stood with a lot of people.
I got out of the psych ward and Maine started answering my calls again. She decided she wanted to try to work things out. I went over on Valentine's Day and we did the deed in the back of my Crown Vic dope boy car. What a way to spend the most romantic holiday of the year, huh?
That's pretty much how things went for the next four months. This led to more and more drinking. And even more drinking. Did I mention a lot of drinking? Ok good. It was during another off period that I got my DUI and started this journey. Once I got out of jail, she and I reconnected again and she told me how much she missed me and that she was shopping for an engagement ring to give me. I was kinda taken aback by all of this and pretty much took it at face value. That same night, she told me that she was going back to Maine. I had to break up with her shortly thereafter b/c I couldn't handle being with someone knowing that they were going to be moving 2k miles away at any moment. I kept in touch by text for a while. She called me once she got to Maine and told me she was getting married to an old boyfriend. I was dumbfounded. I wished her the best of luck, hung up, and promptly got rid of every trace of her in my life. Protip: Do not date someone addicted to uppers while you're addicted to downers. Doesn't work out.
So I went about doing my recovery thing, going to A&D classes, then AA meetings. I decided that I no longer wanted to be on this planet if I couldn't consume alcohol any longer and took half a bottle of sleeping pills. I woke up three days later, went to a meeting, and asked my sponsor to take me back to the psych ward. Bad idea.
I met another addict in treatment not far from where I was. I'll call her Bama. She and I were inseparable from the moment I came on the ward. We had made plans to meet up after she was out of treatment and start a relationship. I don't know how we were going to do it b/c we didn't exchange any contact info, but we were going to do it, damnit!
Turns out, some other patient was jealous of us hanging out and told the nurses that she and I were fucking. I don't know how that's possible when we were always out in the middle of everything, fully clothed, and in separate chairs. Either way, the nurses said that one or both of us had to leave the ward. I didn't want her to get thrown out of treatment, so I left.
I went back home and tried to find employment so I could pay off all my fines and get my license back. I tried for a month and gave up. I went to treatment to learn how to live a sober life. After completing primary, I was moved into secondary living. They have a computer with internet access. I looked Bama up on fb and sent a friend request. She finally got access to her phone and added me. She told me that she had relapsed after leaving the psych ward and was in North MS now. We picked up where we left off making plans for graduation from treatment. I never heard from her again. C'est la vie.
This brings me to my current relationship. I'm going to call her Byram. I met her on OkCupid too. Thankfully, she isn't as crazy as Maine. Byram and I haven't found anything that we don't have in common yet. It's been a few weeks, but we've been talking nonstop since she first texted me.
I've been offered a position outside the transportation radius with hours later than treatment would allow. This position will pay me more than I've ever made in my life, with benefits that would blow your mind. It was because of this position that I made the decision to leave treatment. Byram decided it would be a good thing if I stayed at her house, so here I am.
I hope you had fun reading this...it was a bitch to write.
But that's not the fun part, is it? You all want to hear about all the failed relationships and all the drama they created, right? Good, because that's what you're going to get.
All of this codependency crap started pretty much at birth. You can tell that from the backstory, right? Ok good. So, the first "relationship"...I had just turned 15 and I had this pretty sweet 10 speed bike with reflectors and everything. A girl that I had grown up with since I was like 3 or 4 lived about 2 miles from me. I would go over to her house after school and we would watch tv, listen to music, do some shitty arts & and crafts, and make out. I didn't know what sex was at this point in my life. I was kinda naive, I guess. Boy did she know what it was. This went on for a long time off and on.
There were no other relationships worth mentioning from this point until around the time I started working for Ayrix Technologies (you know I'm a nerd, right?). I bought a computer with my first paycheck and used my free dial-up to get on AOL for the first time. This literally changed my life. I would like to say for the better, but it only brought drama and heartbreak for quite a while.
Anyways, AOL brought me into some local rooms, full of girls/women and guys like me. It was a virtual meat market...literally. I didn't have any relationships of substance from 17 to 19. Those two years were filled with perpetual one-night stands. Healthy, huh?
This brings me to The Baby Mama. I met her in the AOL chatrooms and we decided to go out on a date. I met her at the movies in Clinton. We saw The Count of Monte Cristo (or however you spell it...). She brought her best friend, who was friendzoned from the word go but didn't know it. She and I hit it off rather well.
I was nose deep in my addiction at this point and I looked and felt like shit. She didn't allow drugs and alcohol around her, so I thought this would be a good way to escape that world. I was young and dumb, ok?
A week into dating, I was headed to a EDM party in downtown Jacktown. I never made it. It was raining on this particular night, I was hopped up on coke, and driving a top-heavy SUV. I know most of you are familiar with the High St. exit coming from 55S and the big ass steep curve it has. I hit a pothole at the apex of the curve and flipped my truck 3 or 4 times. The center console ended up 50 yards from where I stopped flipping.
I was taken to the ER at UMC. They did a BAC and tested me for a bajillion different drugs. I knew I was fucked as soon as my grandmother got there. She didn't say a word about it. Ol' girl didn't know how to take it.I had a broken rib and sprained ankle so I was bed-ridden for 3 days, eating Tylox like they were skittles. I didn't want to leave my bed. This is were my love for opiates skyrocketed.
Once I was healed, she decided that she wanted me to move in with her. After twoish weeks of dating. I didn't have a car, a job, or any money, so I jumped at the idea. This signaled the "beginning of the end" as I affectionately call it now.
She and I dated for 10 months before she was starting to show, so we got married. Did I want to at the time? Not especially, but she was pregnant. I felt obligated. Things got better for a while. Around the 4 year mark, I had started to have enough. She was pregnant with our second child, and her emotions had completely left her. It was as if she had given up on life. I felt trapped.
Our son was born 7 weeks premature. He spent those 7 weeks in two different NICUs. I was totally crushed, drained of all energy and feelings. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world was on the verge of being taken from me. I was scared every day that my son wouldn't make it through the night. He's totally fine now and will be 7 in 2 1/2 months.
Her attitude never changed after our son came home for good. My love for her was transferred to my love for my son. He was now my reason for living. She withdrew even further. This led me back to the internet. It was Yahoo Chat this time. I wanted the feeling of being wanted that I had lost out on with my wife.
This is when I met a girl that would change my life; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I instantly felt attracted to her. I didn't care that there was a 9 1/2 year difference in age; she "got me". I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and give me great advice. I started hatching a plot to leave my wife. Little did I know that plans would change...
I became more and more immersed in the chat rooms and some of the people that occupied them. I met this girl that instantly clung to me. She needed what I needed. We could provide that for each other. She said she was leaving the Midwest and heading down South. I finally left my wife, telling her how she made me feel for the past few years. I laid it all out on the table and she agreed on most everything. I told her that I would be leaving soon.Little did she know that I didn't plan on staying more than 24 hours. I left for work with enough clothes to last me through the weekend until I could provide a place to stay for the both of us...and her child. That was more than I bargained for. Things turned to shit rather quickly when I figured out that she was still married to babydaddy.
She left the day before babydaddy got back from Afghanistan. When I found that out, I felt even more like shit. Hello depression! Life was monotonous for the next few months: work, home, sleep, repeat. I was a shell of a person; until previous girl came back into my life.
I had started drinking heavily and in one of my best thinking moments, I decided to drive 10 hours one way and pick up Kentucky. This started the almost 2 year period where I learned the most about myself and who I was and who I wanted to be. Kentucky really brought out the best and the worst of me, pretty much at her will. I was putty in her hands and she knew it. I think she would say that she was putty in my hands too. We each fashioned each other into who we wanted us to be. My kids loved Kentucky, and so did I. I thought I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Alcoholism kinda intervened and shot that to shit. My drinking never did really stop when I brought Kentucky back. It got progressively worse, not to mention my opiate abuse picked up again. I was drinking away any negative feelings I felt and accentuating the positive things. Pretty smart, huh? Things got real rough when I started blacking out on a regular basis. I woke up one time to straddling her and pinning her wrists to the ground. She had bruises and cuts on her face. I went to jail. I vowed to stop drinking, and put it down for a little bit, but went back to being a blackout drunk. Things got tense between us and things came to a head rather quickly. I broke her cell phone into a few pieces and told her to take her ass back to Kentucky where she came from. I thought that would be the end of that, but I was gladly mistaken.
After Kentucky left, I met Maine on OkCupid. We hit it off and started spending every night together after I got off work. Things were really strained b/c of her benzo addiction and my alcohol and opiate issues. We dated off and on for about 6 months. During one of the off periods, I had a mental breakdown. I attempted suicide and ended up in a psych ward. Kentucky was the only one that would answer my calls. No family, no friends, just Kentucky. It really let me know where I stood with a lot of people.
I got out of the psych ward and Maine started answering my calls again. She decided she wanted to try to work things out. I went over on Valentine's Day and we did the deed in the back of my Crown Vic dope boy car. What a way to spend the most romantic holiday of the year, huh?
That's pretty much how things went for the next four months. This led to more and more drinking. And even more drinking. Did I mention a lot of drinking? Ok good. It was during another off period that I got my DUI and started this journey. Once I got out of jail, she and I reconnected again and she told me how much she missed me and that she was shopping for an engagement ring to give me. I was kinda taken aback by all of this and pretty much took it at face value. That same night, she told me that she was going back to Maine. I had to break up with her shortly thereafter b/c I couldn't handle being with someone knowing that they were going to be moving 2k miles away at any moment. I kept in touch by text for a while. She called me once she got to Maine and told me she was getting married to an old boyfriend. I was dumbfounded. I wished her the best of luck, hung up, and promptly got rid of every trace of her in my life. Protip: Do not date someone addicted to uppers while you're addicted to downers. Doesn't work out.
So I went about doing my recovery thing, going to A&D classes, then AA meetings. I decided that I no longer wanted to be on this planet if I couldn't consume alcohol any longer and took half a bottle of sleeping pills. I woke up three days later, went to a meeting, and asked my sponsor to take me back to the psych ward. Bad idea.
I met another addict in treatment not far from where I was. I'll call her Bama. She and I were inseparable from the moment I came on the ward. We had made plans to meet up after she was out of treatment and start a relationship. I don't know how we were going to do it b/c we didn't exchange any contact info, but we were going to do it, damnit!
Turns out, some other patient was jealous of us hanging out and told the nurses that she and I were fucking. I don't know how that's possible when we were always out in the middle of everything, fully clothed, and in separate chairs. Either way, the nurses said that one or both of us had to leave the ward. I didn't want her to get thrown out of treatment, so I left.
I went back home and tried to find employment so I could pay off all my fines and get my license back. I tried for a month and gave up. I went to treatment to learn how to live a sober life. After completing primary, I was moved into secondary living. They have a computer with internet access. I looked Bama up on fb and sent a friend request. She finally got access to her phone and added me. She told me that she had relapsed after leaving the psych ward and was in North MS now. We picked up where we left off making plans for graduation from treatment. I never heard from her again. C'est la vie.
This brings me to my current relationship. I'm going to call her Byram. I met her on OkCupid too. Thankfully, she isn't as crazy as Maine. Byram and I haven't found anything that we don't have in common yet. It's been a few weeks, but we've been talking nonstop since she first texted me.
I've been offered a position outside the transportation radius with hours later than treatment would allow. This position will pay me more than I've ever made in my life, with benefits that would blow your mind. It was because of this position that I made the decision to leave treatment. Byram decided it would be a good thing if I stayed at her house, so here I am.
I hope you had fun reading this...it was a bitch to write.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
A plea for help
I've started to be kinda retrospective on the last 6 months of my life. I'm amazed at the progress that I've made and extremely grateful for everyone that's been there for me along the way.
I do have a dilemma, however. The job that I interviewed is bringing me back in early next week to meet with the owner. That's the good news. The bad news is that if I do get this job, it's outside the transportation radius for where I'm staying.
I'm having a hard time justifying staying in treatment for another month and passing on this job. I've been wanting to work here for quite a while, and I don't believe that passing on this well-paying job just to stay in treatment and get a menial minimum wage job slinging burgers is going to be better for me in the long run.
I need an objective 3rd party to talk to that I can list of the pros and cons of each thing and help me make an informed decision.
I do have a dilemma, however. The job that I interviewed is bringing me back in early next week to meet with the owner. That's the good news. The bad news is that if I do get this job, it's outside the transportation radius for where I'm staying.
I'm having a hard time justifying staying in treatment for another month and passing on this job. I've been wanting to work here for quite a while, and I don't believe that passing on this well-paying job just to stay in treatment and get a menial minimum wage job slinging burgers is going to be better for me in the long run.
I need an objective 3rd party to talk to that I can list of the pros and cons of each thing and help me make an informed decision.
And this is where I decided to start a blog.
I'm having a very blah day. I'm beginning to feel stagnant at this current stage in my life. I have a lot of things going on right now, but none of them are going as fast as I would like for them to. I'll be 6 months sober on Saturday. I have a 2nd interview with the owner of the company I interviewed with earlier this week. I have 4 different offers for a place to live after I complete treatment, if I complete it.
Where I am, the travel radius is only 10 miles in all directions. The place that I would be working is 20 miles away. If I get the job, I would have to put someone out by coming to pick me up and take me to work and gas is starting to climb again due to the holidays. I don't have the money to pay for people's gas and all that until I get a job. Good ol' Catch 22 goin' on here.
The four different offers include two sober living houses; one across the street from where I am now and one in the neighborhood I lived in before I came to treatment; moving back to where I used to live, and moving in with a friend that has offered me a place and a ride to work as long as I help out when I start getting positive cashflow.
There are other financial barriers that I have to cross before I can get back to where I was on May 30th, but all of that will fix itself once I get this job. That being said, can y'all keep an eye out for a decent used car with a low monthly payment?
P.S. - It's really weird to write out such long posts now. I feel like they don't belong on Facebook, but on a blog site or something like that. This is an example of the weird shit that goes through my brain. Insight.
Where I am, the travel radius is only 10 miles in all directions. The place that I would be working is 20 miles away. If I get the job, I would have to put someone out by coming to pick me up and take me to work and gas is starting to climb again due to the holidays. I don't have the money to pay for people's gas and all that until I get a job. Good ol' Catch 22 goin' on here.
The four different offers include two sober living houses; one across the street from where I am now and one in the neighborhood I lived in before I came to treatment; moving back to where I used to live, and moving in with a friend that has offered me a place and a ride to work as long as I help out when I start getting positive cashflow.
There are other financial barriers that I have to cross before I can get back to where I was on May 30th, but all of that will fix itself once I get this job. That being said, can y'all keep an eye out for a decent used car with a low monthly payment?
P.S. - It's really weird to write out such long posts now. I feel like they don't belong on Facebook, but on a blog site or something like that. This is an example of the weird shit that goes through my brain. Insight.
Thanksgiving
My list of things to be thankful this year should be obvious as I speak about it every day to anyone that will listen, but let's do a Cliffnotes version real quick:
1. Being alive
2. My chirrens
3. My family
4. My friends (that I have left, at least)
5. My sobriety
6. That special someone that loves me regardless of how jacked up in the head I am
7. Music
8.Mountain Dew
9. Ole Miss Football
10. New Orleans Saints
11. Sons of Anarchy
That's all I can think of at the present time. Happy Thanksgiving!
1. Being alive
2. My chirrens
3. My family
4. My friends (that I have left, at least)
5. My sobriety
6. That special someone that loves me regardless of how jacked up in the head I am
7. Music
8.Mountain Dew
9. Ole Miss Football
10. New Orleans Saints
11. Sons of Anarchy
That's all I can think of at the present time. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went actively searching for quotes that pertained to how I feel about my addiction. This one is amazingly awesome.
"I think that addicts in general have a special way of thinking. We are problem solvers, we are go getters, we are obsessive compulsive beings who, when forced to, always find a way to get what we want. I have learned to harness my thinking, and use it for good. When there is something I want to accomplish, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing holding me back from chasing my dreams."
"I think that addicts in general have a special way of thinking. We are problem solvers, we are go getters, we are obsessive compulsive beings who, when forced to, always find a way to get what we want. I have learned to harness my thinking, and use it for good. When there is something I want to accomplish, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing holding me back from chasing my dreams."
I wrote a lot on November 25th. This is from the 26th.
Today has been a wonderful roller coaster. It started out with me organizing all the cabinets in the kitchen, including wiping them down and throwing away all the expired stuff. Not only was it organized by type of food, but also from tallest to shortest. Can you tell I woke up during a manic episode?
I got an email about a job that I applied for wanting me to come in tomorrow morning for an interview. After figuring out transportation to the interview and calming down, I got a call from a temp agency that wanted me to send in some more information. I sent that in ASAP and the lady called back and said she emailed me some tests to take.
After all that excitement, I rode with some friends to Northpark so one of them could do something at his job, and lo and behold, Adina was there! Imagine that! My friend, Adina, and I walked around and I found some stuff I want for Christmas.
We left there and came back to the house so I could do the tests. I have forgotten a lot of stuff in Excel and Word, but my typing and 10 key are pretty good for not typing for quite a while.
And that brings us to now. You're welcome.
Today has been a wonderful roller coaster. It started out with me organizing all the cabinets in the kitchen, including wiping them down and throwing away all the expired stuff. Not only was it organized by type of food, but also from tallest to shortest. Can you tell I woke up during a manic episode?
I got an email about a job that I applied for wanting me to come in tomorrow morning for an interview. After figuring out transportation to the interview and calming down, I got a call from a temp agency that wanted me to send in some more information. I sent that in ASAP and the lady called back and said she emailed me some tests to take.
After all that excitement, I rode with some friends to Northpark so one of them could do something at his job, and lo and behold, Adina was there! Imagine that! My friend, Adina, and I walked around and I found some stuff I want for Christmas.
We left there and came back to the house so I could do the tests. I have forgotten a lot of stuff in Excel and Word, but my typing and 10 key are pretty good for not typing for quite a while.
And that brings us to now. You're welcome.
Heh...more retrospect.
I'm starting to get real serious about my recovery now. This coming Saturday will mark 6 months sober. Shall we recount the last 6 months? I think we shall...
It all started May 30th around 11a. I had just woken up with a hangover and set out upon my day. I ventured down Lakeland and then Airport Rd. I ended up at Logan's by Tinseltown. I had two 22oz drafts and a damn good steak.
I went on about my business after stumbling outside into the "too bright for my eyes sun". I don't exactly remember what happened from 11a to about 6p, but I'm sure there was more food consumed. This brings us to the sun about to come down, which was time to start drinking according to the justification I made so I wouldn't be an alcoholic. I came into Sam's Lounge to the familiar sights of my favorite bartender and a couple people I knew that were regulars just like me. I drank $2 Pabst Blue Ribbon until I had at least two full poker hands. Somewhere in there, I managed to purchase a few rounds of Jager shots too. I leave around 2a on the 31st. I make it down Old Canton fine, into my neighborhood fine, and almost to my street. There was a roadblock the block before mine. I couldn't turn around, so I faced the music. I was well over twice the legal limit, so I took a short trip in the back of a new Charger. Spent the rest of the day in a holding cell downtown, then when I thought it was time for me to go home, I get on a transport van to the Hinds County Penal Farm. I spent 3 weeks there working off old fines before I was finally released. At this point, I'm 3 weeks clean. Easy math, huh?
Part of my release was Alcohol & Drug Education classes. Once a week for 8 weeks. I met a few friends of friends while there. It was an overall ok experience. This takes me to 11 weeks clean. (That's 2 months and 3 weeks)
I went to my first AA meeting on August 18th. I was scared shitless. I didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic or an addict. I wanted to be Chase. That was it. But the meeting was amazing, and I met a lot of cool folks that seemed to genuinely care about my sobriety and my well-being. For the next month I went to 2 meetings a day, until I didn't want to be on this Earth anymore. I self-admitted myself to St. Dom's BHU and was there for 1 whole day until I was kicked out for a stupid reason that I refuse to discuss. (3 months and 3 weeks)
This brings us to September 19th, the day I was admitted to Harbor House. I was in Primary for 47 days. (5 months 1 week) I'm currently in Secondary, on my third week, which brings us to today (5 months 3 weeks, 1 day).
Voila. Enjoy.
It all started May 30th around 11a. I had just woken up with a hangover and set out upon my day. I ventured down Lakeland and then Airport Rd. I ended up at Logan's by Tinseltown. I had two 22oz drafts and a damn good steak.
I went on about my business after stumbling outside into the "too bright for my eyes sun". I don't exactly remember what happened from 11a to about 6p, but I'm sure there was more food consumed. This brings us to the sun about to come down, which was time to start drinking according to the justification I made so I wouldn't be an alcoholic. I came into Sam's Lounge to the familiar sights of my favorite bartender and a couple people I knew that were regulars just like me. I drank $2 Pabst Blue Ribbon until I had at least two full poker hands. Somewhere in there, I managed to purchase a few rounds of Jager shots too. I leave around 2a on the 31st. I make it down Old Canton fine, into my neighborhood fine, and almost to my street. There was a roadblock the block before mine. I couldn't turn around, so I faced the music. I was well over twice the legal limit, so I took a short trip in the back of a new Charger. Spent the rest of the day in a holding cell downtown, then when I thought it was time for me to go home, I get on a transport van to the Hinds County Penal Farm. I spent 3 weeks there working off old fines before I was finally released. At this point, I'm 3 weeks clean. Easy math, huh?
Part of my release was Alcohol & Drug Education classes. Once a week for 8 weeks. I met a few friends of friends while there. It was an overall ok experience. This takes me to 11 weeks clean. (That's 2 months and 3 weeks)
I went to my first AA meeting on August 18th. I was scared shitless. I didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic or an addict. I wanted to be Chase. That was it. But the meeting was amazing, and I met a lot of cool folks that seemed to genuinely care about my sobriety and my well-being. For the next month I went to 2 meetings a day, until I didn't want to be on this Earth anymore. I self-admitted myself to St. Dom's BHU and was there for 1 whole day until I was kicked out for a stupid reason that I refuse to discuss. (3 months and 3 weeks)
This brings us to September 19th, the day I was admitted to Harbor House. I was in Primary for 47 days. (5 months 1 week) I'm currently in Secondary, on my third week, which brings us to today (5 months 3 weeks, 1 day).
Voila. Enjoy.
I found this picture not long after those long posts were made. Seems fitting.
The point where my brain starts to plan for the future.
When November 25th came around, I spent a long time meditating on my emotions, my current state in the world, where I want to be, and what it takes to get there.
It still amazes me how music can affect my moods. I woke up feeling like an angry black man and I wanted to kill the world, but I turned on some old school Paul Oakenfold and everything is now right with the world.
I never really realized the way that techno makes me feel. It's like a whole new level of thinking has been unlocked and I've been given free reign to do as I please. I don't ever want to lose this feeling.
It's somewhat frustrating that it has taken almost 6 months for me to find a replacement for the feelings I would chase in vain every day for almost 16 years, but I'm very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience these feelings of joy and enlightenment.
Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it deep in my core.
This was just the beginning. The writing bug hit me not long after this post was done.
I'm in a writing mood, you'll have to forgive the stream of consciousness that's about to spew forth:
Growing up, I didn't know what feelings were. Sure, I had happy, mad, and sad...but that was about it. I didn't know that you could be elated about something good going on in your life or perplexed at something that you didn't quite understand. I went on a journey to either discover feelings I didn't know, or to mask the ones I was feeling.
That journey didn't end up the way that I envisioned it to end, but I wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. I learned that you cannot trust someone the moment you meet them; that trust has to be gained over time. I learned that not everyone has your best interests at heart. Most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves. I learned of unconditional love. I learned of pure hatred. These extremes were unhealthy for me without learning of the emotions in between these extremes.
It's amazing how having a child, or children, can totally change the way you view the world. Never before did I know about unconditional love. I never grew up with that feeling. The way my kids made, and still make, me feel is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's truly indescribable. I still beat myself up over what I've put them through all these years. I don't feel I'll ever be able to make it up to them.
Another emotion that I've never truly experienced is the love of another. Sure, I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships that I thought I was in love, but it turned out to either be lust or playing off my codependency issues.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.
Pretty deep, huh?
It still amazes me how music can affect my moods. I woke up feeling like an angry black man and I wanted to kill the world, but I turned on some old school Paul Oakenfold and everything is now right with the world.
I never really realized the way that techno makes me feel. It's like a whole new level of thinking has been unlocked and I've been given free reign to do as I please. I don't ever want to lose this feeling.
It's somewhat frustrating that it has taken almost 6 months for me to find a replacement for the feelings I would chase in vain every day for almost 16 years, but I'm very grateful that I've been given the opportunity to experience these feelings of joy and enlightenment.
Today is going to be an amazing day. I can feel it deep in my core.
This was just the beginning. The writing bug hit me not long after this post was done.
I'm in a writing mood, you'll have to forgive the stream of consciousness that's about to spew forth:
Growing up, I didn't know what feelings were. Sure, I had happy, mad, and sad...but that was about it. I didn't know that you could be elated about something good going on in your life or perplexed at something that you didn't quite understand. I went on a journey to either discover feelings I didn't know, or to mask the ones I was feeling.
That journey didn't end up the way that I envisioned it to end, but I wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. I learned that you cannot trust someone the moment you meet them; that trust has to be gained over time. I learned that not everyone has your best interests at heart. Most people are extremely selfish and only care about themselves. I learned of unconditional love. I learned of pure hatred. These extremes were unhealthy for me without learning of the emotions in between these extremes.
It's amazing how having a child, or children, can totally change the way you view the world. Never before did I know about unconditional love. I never grew up with that feeling. The way my kids made, and still make, me feel is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It's truly indescribable. I still beat myself up over what I've put them through all these years. I don't feel I'll ever be able to make it up to them.
Another emotion that I've never truly experienced is the love of another. Sure, I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships that I thought I was in love, but it turned out to either be lust or playing off my codependency issues.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading.
Pretty deep, huh?
This post is from November 14th. This is the day where I personally realized the changes that have been going on inside me.
I don't know what's up with me, but I'm turning into an extremely positive person. I've finally realized that I cannot control anything but my own actions. I've realized that I no longer have to be the coolest, best looking, fastest, healthiest, etc. person. I'm ok with being me. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't like it? You know what to do. You do like it? That's awesome! Thanks for sticking around.
I will no longer fix all your problems for you, but I will listen to anything you have going on that you feel like sharing. I might even give you some advice on the subject from my own life experiences. What you do with it, I honestly don't care.
All I know is that I'm gonna be me. One day at a time.
The end.
Then there's this from November 24th.
I'll continue to go through my facebook and my journal and post other ramblings from within my crazy head.
I don't know what's up with me, but I'm turning into an extremely positive person. I've finally realized that I cannot control anything but my own actions. I've realized that I no longer have to be the coolest, best looking, fastest, healthiest, etc. person. I'm ok with being me. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't like it? You know what to do. You do like it? That's awesome! Thanks for sticking around.
I will no longer fix all your problems for you, but I will listen to anything you have going on that you feel like sharing. I might even give you some advice on the subject from my own life experiences. What you do with it, I honestly don't care.
All I know is that I'm gonna be me. One day at a time.
The end.
Then there's this from November 24th.
I'll continue to go through my facebook and my journal and post other ramblings from within my crazy head.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Now that you've had some backstory, I'm going to copy some of my posts on facebook so that you'll know where my head is now that I've been in treatment. This post is from November 5th:
Life is pretty great right now. I've been sober 5 months and 5 days as of today. I'm still in treatment, and plan to stay here as long as I can. I'm afraid to be on my own right now. Job hunt begins tomorrow!
I wrote in my journal a lot between that post and this one from November 13th:
I have an interview next Tuesday for a high paying position. This is literally a gift from my Higher Power because I have applied countless times before and never got a call. This time I had a recruiter contact me to set everything up. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!
Also, I'm finally getting my meds fixed on Monday. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
This just goes to show you that if you keep doing that next right thing doors that were once closed will open and invite you in with open arms.
I plan on making a few posts from my journal at some point, but I don't want to take up too much computer time from my peers. This is going to be in bits and pieces until I get out of treatment and back on my own.
Life is pretty great right now. I've been sober 5 months and 5 days as of today. I'm still in treatment, and plan to stay here as long as I can. I'm afraid to be on my own right now. Job hunt begins tomorrow!
I wrote in my journal a lot between that post and this one from November 13th:
I have an interview next Tuesday for a high paying position. This is literally a gift from my Higher Power because I have applied countless times before and never got a call. This time I had a recruiter contact me to set everything up. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!
Also, I'm finally getting my meds fixed on Monday. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
This just goes to show you that if you keep doing that next right thing doors that were once closed will open and invite you in with open arms.
I plan on making a few posts from my journal at some point, but I don't want to take up too much computer time from my peers. This is going to be in bits and pieces until I get out of treatment and back on my own.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Every good book needs back-stories.
I guess I should start at the beginning. I was born February 17th, 1982 in Flowood, MS. At a very young age, my dad was transferred in the military to the Tacoma, WA area. I cannot remember any of this, as I was less than 2 years old. Some really shady shit went down and I ended up back in Jackson, MS. Fast forward a little bit to the ripe age of 3. I ended up living with my mom's mom, Gama. She and her husband, Papa, raised me as their son. I was given anything that I ever asked for.
I went to public school in Jackson and Brandon from K-5th grade. I was very popular (if you can call it that at that age). I had a lot of friends at school and in the neighborhood. Starting in 6th grade, I went to Jackson Academy. I didn't really care for it because they were a year ahead as far as academics went and my first year there was made worse when Papa passed away on my 11th birthday. That's pretty much when my anti-social behavior kicked into high gear. I quit doing homework, but made A's on all the tests, so I passed all of my classes with a low B or high C.
In 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes on a regular basis. Gama knew I was smoking and one day confronted me about it. I told the truth and she said she would rather buy my smokes than have me steal them from her. So I've been smoking for about 17 years now. The summer before 10th grade, a new family moved in down the street with two kids my age. I started hanging out with them all day every day during the summer and after school during the school year. The younger of the two brothers, Philip, introduced me to marijuana that first summer. That was some of the craziest fun I had ever had up to that point.
Things went on like that for the rest of the summer, and I pretty much put it down during the school year. Tenth grade was my last year at JA, and I went out with a bang. I was becoming more and more popular, working my way up the pecking order if you will. It was this year, during the football season, that I started drinking. It was a gameday weekend in Starkville. My best friend had friends that went there and had an off-campus apartment. We went up there for the weekend and I stayed drunk from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I didn't know it then, but I was an alcoholic from the first drink.
I continued to get drunk every chance I got after that. I managed to pass 10th grade with a low C average. I think I went off on Gama during a drunken stupor (which would be a recurring theme) at some point during the summer and she packed all my clothes and dropped me off with Non, my dad's mom, so my dad could pick me up. I got a pretty good ass-kicking that night when he picked me up. I moved to Brandon High School starting in 11th grade. I stayed clean for long enough for my dad to give me a trailer and a plot of land to live in by myself. Big mistake on his part. I had my best friend move in and there were parties, alcohol, drugs, and women pretty much every other day. I dropped out of school near the end b/c I couldn't keep up with school and my new lifestyle at the same time.
I had odd jobs making good money for a long while after that, continuing to drink and dabble in drugs. Things really jumped off when I got a job with a collection agency in Ridgeland. My manager and most of my coworkers did a lot of cocaine. I did too. I was so addicted that I moved in with my dealer and sold out of the apartment. I had access to any drug that I wanted. While doing ecstasy, some of the guys were talking about raves in New Orleans. I had been to a couple of them here, if you can call them that. They were more like house parties thrown in any venue they could rent. I started making regular trips to the State Palace in New Orleans and getting completely fucked up.
I got my first wake-up call when I went to a rave in New Orleans one night and had to be at work at 10 the next morning in Ridgeland. The party was over at 6 and my ride decided they wanted to go to an afterparty. I was already rolling balls, so I agreed. We were there for about an hour and probably did 4 different drugs in that time period. We left around 7:30 and headed back. I'm glad I had the foresight to get my uniform before leaving. They dropped me off at work at 9:55 trolling my ass off. I got fired.
Shortly after this (February 23rd, 2002), I met my now ex-wife. It was lust at first sight. She said she would never allow drugs or alcohol around her, so I gave them up. We dated for about 7-8 months and she ended up getting pregnant. We got married December 19th, 2002. My daughter was born less than 6 months later. Things were rough financially the entire time we were married, but we made it. My son was born Valentine's Day 2007, seven weeks premature. I spent every night for 6 weeks sitting next to his incubator in the NICU.
This is where my severe depression kicked in and my opiate addiction started again. I used an old knee injury as a reason to get Loracets from the MEA pretty much every month for around 3 years. As my addiction got worse, my marriage suffered more and more. We both withdrew from each other and barely spoke near the end. We separated in the Summer of 2010 and were divorced in the Spring of 2011.
While my ex-wife and I were going through our problems, I met someone online and became very close to her. She and I became closer than my ex-wife and I. About 6 months after the divorce was final, I drove to where she lived and brought her back here to be with me. And this is where my alcoholism picked up again. We began to go out to bars at least every other night, drinking more and more as time went on. One particular evening that we didn't go out (but still drank), we got into an altercation. I don't remember everything that went on because I blacked out, but I remember coming to sitting on her with my hands around her neck. The friendly folks from the Jackson Police Department showed up and thought it would be a good idea if I went downtown with them. I didn't want to go, so they thought it would be cool to handcuff me and put me in the back of their car.
I got out the next day, was forgiven for my actions, and surprisingly things picked up right where they left off. It went on like that for a while longer, until I flipped my shit and told her to go back to where she came from. That should have been wake-up call #2.
About two months later (Dec/Jan 12-13), I started dating someone else. She brought Benzo's into my life. Woo! That really messed with me. She and I dated off and on for 5 months. At some point when we were off, I went and tried to kill myself. I got to spend a week in a psych ward and I came out as being bipolar. We got back together and I mixed her Benzo's with my bipolar meds and alcohol. That was an almost lethal combination. We finally broke up for good around the beginning of May.
While she and I were off again before May, I started talking to this chick in California and things got serious fast. She and I decided to move me out there and all that good stuff. I sold my car and any belongings that wouldn't fit into a large tote and got ready to fly out there. A couple days before I was to leave, she gets evicted and breaks up with me. This started the ball rolling...
I had about $3k and no job. I put half of that down on a car on May 28th. That night I went to 2 bars and a strip club. The total there was about $400. The next night, I did the same. And the same again the next night. That brings us to May 31st. I left the bar at 2a and headed home. I get a block from the house and there's a roadblock. I blow a .20 and go directly to jail. I was there 3 weeks. I had 2 months of drug & alcohol classes, 6 months of probation, MASEP classes, and fines.
I finished the A&D classes and started going to AA. I went to AA for a month and then came to Harbor House. There ya go.
I went to public school in Jackson and Brandon from K-5th grade. I was very popular (if you can call it that at that age). I had a lot of friends at school and in the neighborhood. Starting in 6th grade, I went to Jackson Academy. I didn't really care for it because they were a year ahead as far as academics went and my first year there was made worse when Papa passed away on my 11th birthday. That's pretty much when my anti-social behavior kicked into high gear. I quit doing homework, but made A's on all the tests, so I passed all of my classes with a low B or high C.
In 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes on a regular basis. Gama knew I was smoking and one day confronted me about it. I told the truth and she said she would rather buy my smokes than have me steal them from her. So I've been smoking for about 17 years now. The summer before 10th grade, a new family moved in down the street with two kids my age. I started hanging out with them all day every day during the summer and after school during the school year. The younger of the two brothers, Philip, introduced me to marijuana that first summer. That was some of the craziest fun I had ever had up to that point.
Things went on like that for the rest of the summer, and I pretty much put it down during the school year. Tenth grade was my last year at JA, and I went out with a bang. I was becoming more and more popular, working my way up the pecking order if you will. It was this year, during the football season, that I started drinking. It was a gameday weekend in Starkville. My best friend had friends that went there and had an off-campus apartment. We went up there for the weekend and I stayed drunk from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I didn't know it then, but I was an alcoholic from the first drink.
I continued to get drunk every chance I got after that. I managed to pass 10th grade with a low C average. I think I went off on Gama during a drunken stupor (which would be a recurring theme) at some point during the summer and she packed all my clothes and dropped me off with Non, my dad's mom, so my dad could pick me up. I got a pretty good ass-kicking that night when he picked me up. I moved to Brandon High School starting in 11th grade. I stayed clean for long enough for my dad to give me a trailer and a plot of land to live in by myself. Big mistake on his part. I had my best friend move in and there were parties, alcohol, drugs, and women pretty much every other day. I dropped out of school near the end b/c I couldn't keep up with school and my new lifestyle at the same time.
I had odd jobs making good money for a long while after that, continuing to drink and dabble in drugs. Things really jumped off when I got a job with a collection agency in Ridgeland. My manager and most of my coworkers did a lot of cocaine. I did too. I was so addicted that I moved in with my dealer and sold out of the apartment. I had access to any drug that I wanted. While doing ecstasy, some of the guys were talking about raves in New Orleans. I had been to a couple of them here, if you can call them that. They were more like house parties thrown in any venue they could rent. I started making regular trips to the State Palace in New Orleans and getting completely fucked up.
I got my first wake-up call when I went to a rave in New Orleans one night and had to be at work at 10 the next morning in Ridgeland. The party was over at 6 and my ride decided they wanted to go to an afterparty. I was already rolling balls, so I agreed. We were there for about an hour and probably did 4 different drugs in that time period. We left around 7:30 and headed back. I'm glad I had the foresight to get my uniform before leaving. They dropped me off at work at 9:55 trolling my ass off. I got fired.
Shortly after this (February 23rd, 2002), I met my now ex-wife. It was lust at first sight. She said she would never allow drugs or alcohol around her, so I gave them up. We dated for about 7-8 months and she ended up getting pregnant. We got married December 19th, 2002. My daughter was born less than 6 months later. Things were rough financially the entire time we were married, but we made it. My son was born Valentine's Day 2007, seven weeks premature. I spent every night for 6 weeks sitting next to his incubator in the NICU.
This is where my severe depression kicked in and my opiate addiction started again. I used an old knee injury as a reason to get Loracets from the MEA pretty much every month for around 3 years. As my addiction got worse, my marriage suffered more and more. We both withdrew from each other and barely spoke near the end. We separated in the Summer of 2010 and were divorced in the Spring of 2011.
While my ex-wife and I were going through our problems, I met someone online and became very close to her. She and I became closer than my ex-wife and I. About 6 months after the divorce was final, I drove to where she lived and brought her back here to be with me. And this is where my alcoholism picked up again. We began to go out to bars at least every other night, drinking more and more as time went on. One particular evening that we didn't go out (but still drank), we got into an altercation. I don't remember everything that went on because I blacked out, but I remember coming to sitting on her with my hands around her neck. The friendly folks from the Jackson Police Department showed up and thought it would be a good idea if I went downtown with them. I didn't want to go, so they thought it would be cool to handcuff me and put me in the back of their car.
I got out the next day, was forgiven for my actions, and surprisingly things picked up right where they left off. It went on like that for a while longer, until I flipped my shit and told her to go back to where she came from. That should have been wake-up call #2.
About two months later (Dec/Jan 12-13), I started dating someone else. She brought Benzo's into my life. Woo! That really messed with me. She and I dated off and on for 5 months. At some point when we were off, I went and tried to kill myself. I got to spend a week in a psych ward and I came out as being bipolar. We got back together and I mixed her Benzo's with my bipolar meds and alcohol. That was an almost lethal combination. We finally broke up for good around the beginning of May.
While she and I were off again before May, I started talking to this chick in California and things got serious fast. She and I decided to move me out there and all that good stuff. I sold my car and any belongings that wouldn't fit into a large tote and got ready to fly out there. A couple days before I was to leave, she gets evicted and breaks up with me. This started the ball rolling...
I had about $3k and no job. I put half of that down on a car on May 28th. That night I went to 2 bars and a strip club. The total there was about $400. The next night, I did the same. And the same again the next night. That brings us to May 31st. I left the bar at 2a and headed home. I get a block from the house and there's a roadblock. I blow a .20 and go directly to jail. I was there 3 weeks. I had 2 months of drug & alcohol classes, 6 months of probation, MASEP classes, and fines.
I finished the A&D classes and started going to AA. I went to AA for a month and then came to Harbor House. There ya go.
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