Sorry for the long delay in blog posts. I've kinda hit writer's block. Nothing has really been going on this past week. It feels like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting on the next directions.

There are many things in the works concerning me that I have no control over:

I'm soon to be employed, I hope. I'm supposed to get all of my teeth fixed. I'm getting a new car sometime before my birthday. All of these things have me waiting on someone else to make the decisions. I don't do well with that.

Trazadone Nightmares

I was introduced to the sleeping medication, Trazadone, in February of this year. At first everything was alright, but my dreams started getting weirder and weirder to where I had to change to Amitriptalyne while in treatment. Once I switched, all the weird, terrifying dreams ceased almost immediately. The day I left treatment, they gave me someone else's sleep meds and I didn't notice until after I got home. I was hesitant to take them, but knew I had to have something to go to sleep.

It's taken four days for the dreams to return. This is what I can remember of last night's dream:

It started out with me in some type of group home. I don't know if it was another treatment-related home or a psych ward, but it's not important to the story. Byram comes to visit, and I leave the place in the back of her car, covered by my clothes as to not be detected. We end up at some wrestling arena/hostel combo. She and I become professional wrestlers and move into a room. This room had two king-sized beds pushed together, kinda like in Willy Wonka with the grandparents. I was a little put off by this, but I accepted it for what it was. Because I had to sleep closest to the door, that meant that the rest of the bed was filled with people sleeping next to Byram. I was less than comfortable with that. She said not to worry b/c she would never do anything to hurt me. I told her it wasn't her I was worried about. She's surrounded by a roomful of alpha males with egotism issues. I was more worried about them than anything. Things were ok for a while; all of the other folks moved out and some either midgets or kids moved in and asked how much rent was. That was really weird.

Ok, to the wrestling part. I had a meeting with the promoter who wanted to know what my gimmick was going to be. I told him I would emulate Vinnie Vegas, moveset and everything. He seemed to like the idea, so everything was set for my introduction interview with the crowd later that evening. This is where shit hit the fan.

I come back to the room and see the midgets/children pinning Byram to the bed and messing with her. I busted into the room, picked up both of them with one hand and threw them full force into the cinderblock wall. Ya know how you physically see red when you've reached the homicidal point of your anger spectrum? I was there. Before I killed them, I woke up and pretended nothing happened. I was just happy to wake up in one queen-sized bed, with only Byram and myself in it.

I told her that I had a nightmare, but I didn't go into details. I'm sure once you've all read this far that you'll understand why. Trazadone nightmares ain't nothing to fuck with...

Decoding The Journal pt 6

Well, this is the last entry in my journal. Remember when I said I would have a blog post about music? No? Then go back and read my other entries...jerks.

Have I mentioned how vital music is to my existence? No? Well, now I have. Music helps to dictate my mood; upbeat, happy music (mostly dubstep) when I'm in a good mood makes me that much happier. When I'm angry, I'll listen to loud, angry music. I use a mixture of both to help me fall asleep. I normally wake up if my headphones fall out while sleeping. Most of the major milestones in life are associated with a song or artist/group. Just writing this has taken me on an emotional roller coaster with a badass soundtrack. I feel much better now, after writing all of this out and listening to the music in my head battle with the music on my phone.

And there you have it. All the journal entries have been typed out for the world to enjoy. It sure would be awesome if I could get some feedback about some of the stuff I've written thus far...

Decoding The Journal pt 5

This is where my plans for after treatment start to take shape. Some pretty cool stuff here...

I got to see my shrink today. He was supportive of my progress so far. He told me that my doctor left and referred me to an "addictionologist" they have on staff. I've have to go to a different shrink too. I'm going to miss my shrink.
I met a new friend yesterday. She and I have a lot in common from what we've talked about. We talked on the phone for an hour last night. I don't do that. We also texted most of the day before that. She lives here in Byram and owes me a box of oatmeal.
I know I have an issue with relationships. I always have, but I'm doing my best to slow down. My shrink told me to slow down too. Heh. I've always gone with instant gratification and been burned 99.9% of the time. I've learned quite a bit of patience while in treatment, but I know I have a shit ton more to learn before I'm able to have patience in all situations.
I have an interview with a major cable provider to work in their retention department. I'm super nervous about it. I've put it in the hands of my Higher Power, so I know the outcome is already decided. I had to shave my goatee and sideburns for the interview, so now I feel naked. It seems I always have to give up No Shave November every year for one reason or another. I keep telling myself that it's just hair and it'll grown back. I've almost come to terms with it.

Decoding The Journal pt. 4

This one kinda hurt to write. You'll see why...

I got a message on Facebook from Youngest Bro today. He told me I was just like my father; going to jail and cheating on Ex-wife. That really hurt down to my core. I don't know him that well; if at all. He's passing judgement based on what others have told him about me I understand he's still at an impressionable age and believes everything his mother tells him. I was the same way. I hope that once he's mature enough to make his own decisions he asks for my side of things so he can make an informed decision based on facts, not hearsay.

Other than that, things have been alright. I'm having a hard time adjusting to life in secondary. It's hard going from an extremely structured environment to a more laid-back structure. I think I'll be fine once I'm able to gt out and look for a job.

I'm worried about my mental stability right now. I only had one manic episode in primary, but have already had tow in six days of secondary. I really need to talk to my shrink and see if he thinks my meds need to be changed. I'm freaking out just thinking about it. Could I be suffering from anxiety too? It seems very possible and would be a logical explanation to some of my social awkwardness.

Lots of self-doubt and self-pity. Nothing else to see here...move along.

Decoding The Journal pt. 3

This is a long one...yay!

I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.

Yeah. There's that.

Decoding The Journal pt. 2

This is the next entry in my journal. I know this because I started a new paragraph. Beyond this, things get kinda murky. I would rather start where I left off than start a new entry. Looking back, this really fucks with my head...but my head was kinda fucked up at the time.

Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.

Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.