Sorry for the long delay in blog posts. I've kinda hit writer's block. Nothing has really been going on this past week. It feels like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting on the next directions.
There are many things in the works concerning me that I have no control over:
I'm soon to be employed, I hope. I'm supposed to get all of my teeth fixed. I'm getting a new car sometime before my birthday. All of these things have me waiting on someone else to make the decisions. I don't do well with that.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Trazadone Nightmares
I was introduced to the sleeping medication, Trazadone, in February of this year. At first everything was alright, but my dreams started getting weirder and weirder to where I had to change to Amitriptalyne while in treatment. Once I switched, all the weird, terrifying dreams ceased almost immediately. The day I left treatment, they gave me someone else's sleep meds and I didn't notice until after I got home. I was hesitant to take them, but knew I had to have something to go to sleep.
It's taken four days for the dreams to return. This is what I can remember of last night's dream:
It started out with me in some type of group home. I don't know if it was another treatment-related home or a psych ward, but it's not important to the story. Byram comes to visit, and I leave the place in the back of her car, covered by my clothes as to not be detected. We end up at some wrestling arena/hostel combo. She and I become professional wrestlers and move into a room. This room had two king-sized beds pushed together, kinda like in Willy Wonka with the grandparents. I was a little put off by this, but I accepted it for what it was. Because I had to sleep closest to the door, that meant that the rest of the bed was filled with people sleeping next to Byram. I was less than comfortable with that. She said not to worry b/c she would never do anything to hurt me. I told her it wasn't her I was worried about. She's surrounded by a roomful of alpha males with egotism issues. I was more worried about them than anything. Things were ok for a while; all of the other folks moved out and some either midgets or kids moved in and asked how much rent was. That was really weird.
Ok, to the wrestling part. I had a meeting with the promoter who wanted to know what my gimmick was going to be. I told him I would emulate Vinnie Vegas, moveset and everything. He seemed to like the idea, so everything was set for my introduction interview with the crowd later that evening. This is where shit hit the fan.
I come back to the room and see the midgets/children pinning Byram to the bed and messing with her. I busted into the room, picked up both of them with one hand and threw them full force into the cinderblock wall. Ya know how you physically see red when you've reached the homicidal point of your anger spectrum? I was there. Before I killed them, I woke up and pretended nothing happened. I was just happy to wake up in one queen-sized bed, with only Byram and myself in it.
I told her that I had a nightmare, but I didn't go into details. I'm sure once you've all read this far that you'll understand why. Trazadone nightmares ain't nothing to fuck with...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Decoding The Journal pt 6
Well, this is the last entry in my journal. Remember when I said I would have a blog post about music? No? Then go back and read my other entries...jerks.
Have I mentioned how vital music is to my existence? No? Well, now I have. Music helps to dictate my mood; upbeat, happy music (mostly dubstep) when I'm in a good mood makes me that much happier. When I'm angry, I'll listen to loud, angry music. I use a mixture of both to help me fall asleep. I normally wake up if my headphones fall out while sleeping. Most of the major milestones in life are associated with a song or artist/group. Just writing this has taken me on an emotional roller coaster with a badass soundtrack. I feel much better now, after writing all of this out and listening to the music in my head battle with the music on my phone.
And there you have it. All the journal entries have been typed out for the world to enjoy. It sure would be awesome if I could get some feedback about some of the stuff I've written thus far...
Have I mentioned how vital music is to my existence? No? Well, now I have. Music helps to dictate my mood; upbeat, happy music (mostly dubstep) when I'm in a good mood makes me that much happier. When I'm angry, I'll listen to loud, angry music. I use a mixture of both to help me fall asleep. I normally wake up if my headphones fall out while sleeping. Most of the major milestones in life are associated with a song or artist/group. Just writing this has taken me on an emotional roller coaster with a badass soundtrack. I feel much better now, after writing all of this out and listening to the music in my head battle with the music on my phone.
And there you have it. All the journal entries have been typed out for the world to enjoy. It sure would be awesome if I could get some feedback about some of the stuff I've written thus far...
Decoding The Journal pt 5
This is where my plans for after treatment start to take shape. Some pretty cool stuff here...
I got to see my shrink today. He was supportive of my progress so far. He told me that my doctor left and referred me to an "addictionologist" they have on staff. I've have to go to a different shrink too. I'm going to miss my shrink.
I met a new friend yesterday. She and I have a lot in common from what we've talked about. We talked on the phone for an hour last night. I don't do that. We also texted most of the day before that. She lives here in Byram and owes me a box of oatmeal.
I know I have an issue with relationships. I always have, but I'm doing my best to slow down. My shrink told me to slow down too. Heh. I've always gone with instant gratification and been burned 99.9% of the time. I've learned quite a bit of patience while in treatment, but I know I have a shit ton more to learn before I'm able to have patience in all situations.
I have an interview with a major cable provider to work in their retention department. I'm super nervous about it. I've put it in the hands of my Higher Power, so I know the outcome is already decided. I had to shave my goatee and sideburns for the interview, so now I feel naked. It seems I always have to give up No Shave November every year for one reason or another. I keep telling myself that it's just hair and it'll grown back. I've almost come to terms with it.
I got to see my shrink today. He was supportive of my progress so far. He told me that my doctor left and referred me to an "addictionologist" they have on staff. I've have to go to a different shrink too. I'm going to miss my shrink.
I met a new friend yesterday. She and I have a lot in common from what we've talked about. We talked on the phone for an hour last night. I don't do that. We also texted most of the day before that. She lives here in Byram and owes me a box of oatmeal.
I know I have an issue with relationships. I always have, but I'm doing my best to slow down. My shrink told me to slow down too. Heh. I've always gone with instant gratification and been burned 99.9% of the time. I've learned quite a bit of patience while in treatment, but I know I have a shit ton more to learn before I'm able to have patience in all situations.
I have an interview with a major cable provider to work in their retention department. I'm super nervous about it. I've put it in the hands of my Higher Power, so I know the outcome is already decided. I had to shave my goatee and sideburns for the interview, so now I feel naked. It seems I always have to give up No Shave November every year for one reason or another. I keep telling myself that it's just hair and it'll grown back. I've almost come to terms with it.
Decoding The Journal pt. 4
This one kinda hurt to write. You'll see why...
I got a message on Facebook from Youngest Bro today. He told me I was just like my father; going to jail and cheating on Ex-wife. That really hurt down to my core. I don't know him that well; if at all. He's passing judgement based on what others have told him about me I understand he's still at an impressionable age and believes everything his mother tells him. I was the same way. I hope that once he's mature enough to make his own decisions he asks for my side of things so he can make an informed decision based on facts, not hearsay.
Other than that, things have been alright. I'm having a hard time adjusting to life in secondary. It's hard going from an extremely structured environment to a more laid-back structure. I think I'll be fine once I'm able to gt out and look for a job.
I'm worried about my mental stability right now. I only had one manic episode in primary, but have already had tow in six days of secondary. I really need to talk to my shrink and see if he thinks my meds need to be changed. I'm freaking out just thinking about it. Could I be suffering from anxiety too? It seems very possible and would be a logical explanation to some of my social awkwardness.
Lots of self-doubt and self-pity. Nothing else to see here...move along.
Decoding The Journal pt. 3
This is a long one...yay!
I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.
Yeah. There's that.
I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.
Yeah. There's that.
Decoding The Journal pt. 2
This is the next entry in my journal. I know this because I started a new paragraph. Beyond this, things get kinda murky. I would rather start where I left off than start a new entry. Looking back, this really fucks with my head...but my head was kinda fucked up at the time.
Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.
Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.
Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.
Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.
Decoding The Journal Pt. 1
I started this journal during my time in Primary treatment. This is going to be the best way to see where my brain is/was/wants to be. There is nothing but raw truth in these words. I had no filter, and I continue to have no filter. I like to think it's my best attribute. OK, here goes.
I really don't know what's going on inside my head. My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I cannot keep a coherent thought long enough to get it down on paper without putting forth an enormous amount of effort. My fingertips on my right hand are all numb. I don't know what's up with that. It's freaking me out. I haven't talked to any female since about the first week here. That's really messing with me too. I went to a conference on getting my record expunged today with some of the guys from here and saw my old psychologist. I sat next to him and talked for a while until a group of pregnant females and new moms came in and sat in front of us. My attention was immediately drawn to them and trying to get them to notice and/or talk to me. I'm guessing my standards have been compromised due to my lack of interaction with females while I'm in treatment. I'm going to try to stay out of a relationship for the first year of my sobriety. (lol) I feel alienated from a good portion of the male clients. Its as much their fault as it is mine. I have issues with making friends with men for some reason. This codependency shit is driving me fucking crazy. It would defeat the purpose for me to ask for help from someone else.
As you can see, my thoughts were all over the place that day. This will be a recurring theme of most of these journal entries.
I really don't know what's going on inside my head. My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I cannot keep a coherent thought long enough to get it down on paper without putting forth an enormous amount of effort. My fingertips on my right hand are all numb. I don't know what's up with that. It's freaking me out. I haven't talked to any female since about the first week here. That's really messing with me too. I went to a conference on getting my record expunged today with some of the guys from here and saw my old psychologist. I sat next to him and talked for a while until a group of pregnant females and new moms came in and sat in front of us. My attention was immediately drawn to them and trying to get them to notice and/or talk to me. I'm guessing my standards have been compromised due to my lack of interaction with females while I'm in treatment. I'm going to try to stay out of a relationship for the first year of my sobriety. (lol) I feel alienated from a good portion of the male clients. Its as much their fault as it is mine. I have issues with making friends with men for some reason. This codependency shit is driving me fucking crazy. It would defeat the purpose for me to ask for help from someone else.
As you can see, my thoughts were all over the place that day. This will be a recurring theme of most of these journal entries.
Quotes
I'm procrastinating about transcribing my journal, so here's some quotes...
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
Inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
“We know perfectly well how to be spiritual. It's being human that we have trouble with.” - Renee Bledsoe
“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.” - Richard Bach
“One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - Sigmund Freud
“The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.” -Rene Descartes
“After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” -Aldous Huxley (this one will be used to make another blog post down the road)
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
“It is possible to be different and still be all right. There can be two -- or more -- answers to the same question, and all can be right.” - Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.
"As you more fully establish the connection of your head to your heart, you will fall deeply in love with yourself. You will love yourself, not in a narcissistic way that is only reflected back to you from the outside world, but in a way that comes from the inside out. It is then that you are open to loving others in just this same way. And that is when doing harm to yourself (body, mind and soul) or to others is not an option.” - Renee Bledsoe
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell
“When a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” - L. A. Rouchefolicauld
There's some food for thought for a little while. Take and do with these quotes what you feel is right.
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment
Inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
“We know perfectly well how to be spiritual. It's being human that we have trouble with.” - Renee Bledsoe
“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.” - Richard Bach
“One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - Sigmund Freud
“The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.” -Rene Descartes
“After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” -Aldous Huxley (this one will be used to make another blog post down the road)
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban
“It is possible to be different and still be all right. There can be two -- or more -- answers to the same question, and all can be right.” - Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.
"As you more fully establish the connection of your head to your heart, you will fall deeply in love with yourself. You will love yourself, not in a narcissistic way that is only reflected back to you from the outside world, but in a way that comes from the inside out. It is then that you are open to loving others in just this same way. And that is when doing harm to yourself (body, mind and soul) or to others is not an option.” - Renee Bledsoe
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell
“When a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” - L. A. Rouchefolicauld
There's some food for thought for a little while. Take and do with these quotes what you feel is right.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Relationships. I hope you're ready.
I used to define myself by who I was in a relationship. This all changed when my counselor brought the issues of codependency up during one of our sessions. He gave me a little book to read and it immediately changed how I viewed relationships from that point forward.
But that's not the fun part, is it? You all want to hear about all the failed relationships and all the drama they created, right? Good, because that's what you're going to get.
All of this codependency crap started pretty much at birth. You can tell that from the backstory, right? Ok good. So, the first "relationship"...I had just turned 15 and I had this pretty sweet 10 speed bike with reflectors and everything. A girl that I had grown up with since I was like 3 or 4 lived about 2 miles from me. I would go over to her house after school and we would watch tv, listen to music, do some shitty arts & and crafts, and make out. I didn't know what sex was at this point in my life. I was kinda naive, I guess. Boy did she know what it was. This went on for a long time off and on.
There were no other relationships worth mentioning from this point until around the time I started working for Ayrix Technologies (you know I'm a nerd, right?). I bought a computer with my first paycheck and used my free dial-up to get on AOL for the first time. This literally changed my life. I would like to say for the better, but it only brought drama and heartbreak for quite a while.
Anyways, AOL brought me into some local rooms, full of girls/women and guys like me. It was a virtual meat market...literally. I didn't have any relationships of substance from 17 to 19. Those two years were filled with perpetual one-night stands. Healthy, huh?
This brings me to The Baby Mama. I met her in the AOL chatrooms and we decided to go out on a date. I met her at the movies in Clinton. We saw The Count of Monte Cristo (or however you spell it...). She brought her best friend, who was friendzoned from the word go but didn't know it. She and I hit it off rather well.
I was nose deep in my addiction at this point and I looked and felt like shit. She didn't allow drugs and alcohol around her, so I thought this would be a good way to escape that world. I was young and dumb, ok?
A week into dating, I was headed to a EDM party in downtown Jacktown. I never made it. It was raining on this particular night, I was hopped up on coke, and driving a top-heavy SUV. I know most of you are familiar with the High St. exit coming from 55S and the big ass steep curve it has. I hit a pothole at the apex of the curve and flipped my truck 3 or 4 times. The center console ended up 50 yards from where I stopped flipping.
I was taken to the ER at UMC. They did a BAC and tested me for a bajillion different drugs. I knew I was fucked as soon as my grandmother got there. She didn't say a word about it. Ol' girl didn't know how to take it.I had a broken rib and sprained ankle so I was bed-ridden for 3 days, eating Tylox like they were skittles. I didn't want to leave my bed. This is were my love for opiates skyrocketed.
Once I was healed, she decided that she wanted me to move in with her. After twoish weeks of dating. I didn't have a car, a job, or any money, so I jumped at the idea. This signaled the "beginning of the end" as I affectionately call it now.
She and I dated for 10 months before she was starting to show, so we got married. Did I want to at the time? Not especially, but she was pregnant. I felt obligated. Things got better for a while. Around the 4 year mark, I had started to have enough. She was pregnant with our second child, and her emotions had completely left her. It was as if she had given up on life. I felt trapped.
Our son was born 7 weeks premature. He spent those 7 weeks in two different NICUs. I was totally crushed, drained of all energy and feelings. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world was on the verge of being taken from me. I was scared every day that my son wouldn't make it through the night. He's totally fine now and will be 7 in 2 1/2 months.
Her attitude never changed after our son came home for good. My love for her was transferred to my love for my son. He was now my reason for living. She withdrew even further. This led me back to the internet. It was Yahoo Chat this time. I wanted the feeling of being wanted that I had lost out on with my wife.
This is when I met a girl that would change my life; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I instantly felt attracted to her. I didn't care that there was a 9 1/2 year difference in age; she "got me". I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and give me great advice. I started hatching a plot to leave my wife. Little did I know that plans would change...
I became more and more immersed in the chat rooms and some of the people that occupied them. I met this girl that instantly clung to me. She needed what I needed. We could provide that for each other. She said she was leaving the Midwest and heading down South. I finally left my wife, telling her how she made me feel for the past few years. I laid it all out on the table and she agreed on most everything. I told her that I would be leaving soon.Little did she know that I didn't plan on staying more than 24 hours. I left for work with enough clothes to last me through the weekend until I could provide a place to stay for the both of us...and her child. That was more than I bargained for. Things turned to shit rather quickly when I figured out that she was still married to babydaddy.
She left the day before babydaddy got back from Afghanistan. When I found that out, I felt even more like shit. Hello depression! Life was monotonous for the next few months: work, home, sleep, repeat. I was a shell of a person; until previous girl came back into my life.
I had started drinking heavily and in one of my best thinking moments, I decided to drive 10 hours one way and pick up Kentucky. This started the almost 2 year period where I learned the most about myself and who I was and who I wanted to be. Kentucky really brought out the best and the worst of me, pretty much at her will. I was putty in her hands and she knew it. I think she would say that she was putty in my hands too. We each fashioned each other into who we wanted us to be. My kids loved Kentucky, and so did I. I thought I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Alcoholism kinda intervened and shot that to shit. My drinking never did really stop when I brought Kentucky back. It got progressively worse, not to mention my opiate abuse picked up again. I was drinking away any negative feelings I felt and accentuating the positive things. Pretty smart, huh? Things got real rough when I started blacking out on a regular basis. I woke up one time to straddling her and pinning her wrists to the ground. She had bruises and cuts on her face. I went to jail. I vowed to stop drinking, and put it down for a little bit, but went back to being a blackout drunk. Things got tense between us and things came to a head rather quickly. I broke her cell phone into a few pieces and told her to take her ass back to Kentucky where she came from. I thought that would be the end of that, but I was gladly mistaken.
After Kentucky left, I met Maine on OkCupid. We hit it off and started spending every night together after I got off work. Things were really strained b/c of her benzo addiction and my alcohol and opiate issues. We dated off and on for about 6 months. During one of the off periods, I had a mental breakdown. I attempted suicide and ended up in a psych ward. Kentucky was the only one that would answer my calls. No family, no friends, just Kentucky. It really let me know where I stood with a lot of people.
I got out of the psych ward and Maine started answering my calls again. She decided she wanted to try to work things out. I went over on Valentine's Day and we did the deed in the back of my Crown Vic dope boy car. What a way to spend the most romantic holiday of the year, huh?
That's pretty much how things went for the next four months. This led to more and more drinking. And even more drinking. Did I mention a lot of drinking? Ok good. It was during another off period that I got my DUI and started this journey. Once I got out of jail, she and I reconnected again and she told me how much she missed me and that she was shopping for an engagement ring to give me. I was kinda taken aback by all of this and pretty much took it at face value. That same night, she told me that she was going back to Maine. I had to break up with her shortly thereafter b/c I couldn't handle being with someone knowing that they were going to be moving 2k miles away at any moment. I kept in touch by text for a while. She called me once she got to Maine and told me she was getting married to an old boyfriend. I was dumbfounded. I wished her the best of luck, hung up, and promptly got rid of every trace of her in my life. Protip: Do not date someone addicted to uppers while you're addicted to downers. Doesn't work out.
So I went about doing my recovery thing, going to A&D classes, then AA meetings. I decided that I no longer wanted to be on this planet if I couldn't consume alcohol any longer and took half a bottle of sleeping pills. I woke up three days later, went to a meeting, and asked my sponsor to take me back to the psych ward. Bad idea.
I met another addict in treatment not far from where I was. I'll call her Bama. She and I were inseparable from the moment I came on the ward. We had made plans to meet up after she was out of treatment and start a relationship. I don't know how we were going to do it b/c we didn't exchange any contact info, but we were going to do it, damnit!
Turns out, some other patient was jealous of us hanging out and told the nurses that she and I were fucking. I don't know how that's possible when we were always out in the middle of everything, fully clothed, and in separate chairs. Either way, the nurses said that one or both of us had to leave the ward. I didn't want her to get thrown out of treatment, so I left.
I went back home and tried to find employment so I could pay off all my fines and get my license back. I tried for a month and gave up. I went to treatment to learn how to live a sober life. After completing primary, I was moved into secondary living. They have a computer with internet access. I looked Bama up on fb and sent a friend request. She finally got access to her phone and added me. She told me that she had relapsed after leaving the psych ward and was in North MS now. We picked up where we left off making plans for graduation from treatment. I never heard from her again. C'est la vie.
This brings me to my current relationship. I'm going to call her Byram. I met her on OkCupid too. Thankfully, she isn't as crazy as Maine. Byram and I haven't found anything that we don't have in common yet. It's been a few weeks, but we've been talking nonstop since she first texted me.
I've been offered a position outside the transportation radius with hours later than treatment would allow. This position will pay me more than I've ever made in my life, with benefits that would blow your mind. It was because of this position that I made the decision to leave treatment. Byram decided it would be a good thing if I stayed at her house, so here I am.
I hope you had fun reading this...it was a bitch to write.
But that's not the fun part, is it? You all want to hear about all the failed relationships and all the drama they created, right? Good, because that's what you're going to get.
All of this codependency crap started pretty much at birth. You can tell that from the backstory, right? Ok good. So, the first "relationship"...I had just turned 15 and I had this pretty sweet 10 speed bike with reflectors and everything. A girl that I had grown up with since I was like 3 or 4 lived about 2 miles from me. I would go over to her house after school and we would watch tv, listen to music, do some shitty arts & and crafts, and make out. I didn't know what sex was at this point in my life. I was kinda naive, I guess. Boy did she know what it was. This went on for a long time off and on.
There were no other relationships worth mentioning from this point until around the time I started working for Ayrix Technologies (you know I'm a nerd, right?). I bought a computer with my first paycheck and used my free dial-up to get on AOL for the first time. This literally changed my life. I would like to say for the better, but it only brought drama and heartbreak for quite a while.
Anyways, AOL brought me into some local rooms, full of girls/women and guys like me. It was a virtual meat market...literally. I didn't have any relationships of substance from 17 to 19. Those two years were filled with perpetual one-night stands. Healthy, huh?
This brings me to The Baby Mama. I met her in the AOL chatrooms and we decided to go out on a date. I met her at the movies in Clinton. We saw The Count of Monte Cristo (or however you spell it...). She brought her best friend, who was friendzoned from the word go but didn't know it. She and I hit it off rather well.
I was nose deep in my addiction at this point and I looked and felt like shit. She didn't allow drugs and alcohol around her, so I thought this would be a good way to escape that world. I was young and dumb, ok?
A week into dating, I was headed to a EDM party in downtown Jacktown. I never made it. It was raining on this particular night, I was hopped up on coke, and driving a top-heavy SUV. I know most of you are familiar with the High St. exit coming from 55S and the big ass steep curve it has. I hit a pothole at the apex of the curve and flipped my truck 3 or 4 times. The center console ended up 50 yards from where I stopped flipping.
I was taken to the ER at UMC. They did a BAC and tested me for a bajillion different drugs. I knew I was fucked as soon as my grandmother got there. She didn't say a word about it. Ol' girl didn't know how to take it.I had a broken rib and sprained ankle so I was bed-ridden for 3 days, eating Tylox like they were skittles. I didn't want to leave my bed. This is were my love for opiates skyrocketed.
Once I was healed, she decided that she wanted me to move in with her. After twoish weeks of dating. I didn't have a car, a job, or any money, so I jumped at the idea. This signaled the "beginning of the end" as I affectionately call it now.
She and I dated for 10 months before she was starting to show, so we got married. Did I want to at the time? Not especially, but she was pregnant. I felt obligated. Things got better for a while. Around the 4 year mark, I had started to have enough. She was pregnant with our second child, and her emotions had completely left her. It was as if she had given up on life. I felt trapped.
Our son was born 7 weeks premature. He spent those 7 weeks in two different NICUs. I was totally crushed, drained of all energy and feelings. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world was on the verge of being taken from me. I was scared every day that my son wouldn't make it through the night. He's totally fine now and will be 7 in 2 1/2 months.
Her attitude never changed after our son came home for good. My love for her was transferred to my love for my son. He was now my reason for living. She withdrew even further. This led me back to the internet. It was Yahoo Chat this time. I wanted the feeling of being wanted that I had lost out on with my wife.
This is when I met a girl that would change my life; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I instantly felt attracted to her. I didn't care that there was a 9 1/2 year difference in age; she "got me". I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and give me great advice. I started hatching a plot to leave my wife. Little did I know that plans would change...
I became more and more immersed in the chat rooms and some of the people that occupied them. I met this girl that instantly clung to me. She needed what I needed. We could provide that for each other. She said she was leaving the Midwest and heading down South. I finally left my wife, telling her how she made me feel for the past few years. I laid it all out on the table and she agreed on most everything. I told her that I would be leaving soon.Little did she know that I didn't plan on staying more than 24 hours. I left for work with enough clothes to last me through the weekend until I could provide a place to stay for the both of us...and her child. That was more than I bargained for. Things turned to shit rather quickly when I figured out that she was still married to babydaddy.
She left the day before babydaddy got back from Afghanistan. When I found that out, I felt even more like shit. Hello depression! Life was monotonous for the next few months: work, home, sleep, repeat. I was a shell of a person; until previous girl came back into my life.
I had started drinking heavily and in one of my best thinking moments, I decided to drive 10 hours one way and pick up Kentucky. This started the almost 2 year period where I learned the most about myself and who I was and who I wanted to be. Kentucky really brought out the best and the worst of me, pretty much at her will. I was putty in her hands and she knew it. I think she would say that she was putty in my hands too. We each fashioned each other into who we wanted us to be. My kids loved Kentucky, and so did I. I thought I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Alcoholism kinda intervened and shot that to shit. My drinking never did really stop when I brought Kentucky back. It got progressively worse, not to mention my opiate abuse picked up again. I was drinking away any negative feelings I felt and accentuating the positive things. Pretty smart, huh? Things got real rough when I started blacking out on a regular basis. I woke up one time to straddling her and pinning her wrists to the ground. She had bruises and cuts on her face. I went to jail. I vowed to stop drinking, and put it down for a little bit, but went back to being a blackout drunk. Things got tense between us and things came to a head rather quickly. I broke her cell phone into a few pieces and told her to take her ass back to Kentucky where she came from. I thought that would be the end of that, but I was gladly mistaken.
After Kentucky left, I met Maine on OkCupid. We hit it off and started spending every night together after I got off work. Things were really strained b/c of her benzo addiction and my alcohol and opiate issues. We dated off and on for about 6 months. During one of the off periods, I had a mental breakdown. I attempted suicide and ended up in a psych ward. Kentucky was the only one that would answer my calls. No family, no friends, just Kentucky. It really let me know where I stood with a lot of people.
I got out of the psych ward and Maine started answering my calls again. She decided she wanted to try to work things out. I went over on Valentine's Day and we did the deed in the back of my Crown Vic dope boy car. What a way to spend the most romantic holiday of the year, huh?
That's pretty much how things went for the next four months. This led to more and more drinking. And even more drinking. Did I mention a lot of drinking? Ok good. It was during another off period that I got my DUI and started this journey. Once I got out of jail, she and I reconnected again and she told me how much she missed me and that she was shopping for an engagement ring to give me. I was kinda taken aback by all of this and pretty much took it at face value. That same night, she told me that she was going back to Maine. I had to break up with her shortly thereafter b/c I couldn't handle being with someone knowing that they were going to be moving 2k miles away at any moment. I kept in touch by text for a while. She called me once she got to Maine and told me she was getting married to an old boyfriend. I was dumbfounded. I wished her the best of luck, hung up, and promptly got rid of every trace of her in my life. Protip: Do not date someone addicted to uppers while you're addicted to downers. Doesn't work out.
So I went about doing my recovery thing, going to A&D classes, then AA meetings. I decided that I no longer wanted to be on this planet if I couldn't consume alcohol any longer and took half a bottle of sleeping pills. I woke up three days later, went to a meeting, and asked my sponsor to take me back to the psych ward. Bad idea.
I met another addict in treatment not far from where I was. I'll call her Bama. She and I were inseparable from the moment I came on the ward. We had made plans to meet up after she was out of treatment and start a relationship. I don't know how we were going to do it b/c we didn't exchange any contact info, but we were going to do it, damnit!
Turns out, some other patient was jealous of us hanging out and told the nurses that she and I were fucking. I don't know how that's possible when we were always out in the middle of everything, fully clothed, and in separate chairs. Either way, the nurses said that one or both of us had to leave the ward. I didn't want her to get thrown out of treatment, so I left.
I went back home and tried to find employment so I could pay off all my fines and get my license back. I tried for a month and gave up. I went to treatment to learn how to live a sober life. After completing primary, I was moved into secondary living. They have a computer with internet access. I looked Bama up on fb and sent a friend request. She finally got access to her phone and added me. She told me that she had relapsed after leaving the psych ward and was in North MS now. We picked up where we left off making plans for graduation from treatment. I never heard from her again. C'est la vie.
This brings me to my current relationship. I'm going to call her Byram. I met her on OkCupid too. Thankfully, she isn't as crazy as Maine. Byram and I haven't found anything that we don't have in common yet. It's been a few weeks, but we've been talking nonstop since she first texted me.
I've been offered a position outside the transportation radius with hours later than treatment would allow. This position will pay me more than I've ever made in my life, with benefits that would blow your mind. It was because of this position that I made the decision to leave treatment. Byram decided it would be a good thing if I stayed at her house, so here I am.
I hope you had fun reading this...it was a bitch to write.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)