Decoding The Journal pt. 3

This is a long one...yay!

I've been thinking really hard about stuff to add to my 4th step, but I can't think of anything to add. I've either forgiven them for it, blocked it out, or just plain forgot about a lot of stuff. I have issues with my memory and it scares me. I cant remember milestones in mine and my children's lives. I can't beat myself up over it, but it is what it is. This has been and extremely unproductive day. I've played volleyball, watched a lot of television, and written in here. It's better than the alternative, though. I could be out on the streets, in jail, or dead. I'm ready to go to more outside meetings. I miss the people at Beagle Pack and Big 12. I miss he fellowship at Way Out. I really miss my best friend, Zak. Outside of that, I miss my kids and my dad. I haven't seen any of them in about 2 months. I'm ready for my TL. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with my kids and go see my Dad that Sunday. I've been doing my best not to think about any of that while I've been here, but it's getting harder to do that now that I'm getting closer to "freedom". I REALLY miss the touch of a woman. I haven't felt truly loved since the beginning of July. I can't help but think about Maine and what happened and how I played a part in her moving back home and running back to one of her exes. She and I were codependent on each other and it was an unhealthy relationship from the start. My relationship with Kentucky was the same way, but it worked until jealousy got in the way. I had my eye on someone else near the end and ended up sleeping with them the day after she moved back home. I still love Kentucky, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get back with her. I've tried calling every few days and I wrote her a letter. She hasn't answered my calls or written me back. I don't know if she ever got the letter. I wrote a letter to another friend of mine and she said she never got it, but every letter I've written to my family has been received and they've replied back to me. My other friend's name is Pearl. She and I have been friends for about 6 months or more. We had every intention of getting to know each other better and trying to date, or so I thought. I called her a lot when I first got here, but after the first week so was very short with me. I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt but couldn't say. I called her a few days later; after enought time for her to get it and write back; and she said she never got it and kinda told me to fuck off. I haven't called her since.

Yeah. There's that.