I used to define myself by who I was in a relationship. This all changed when my counselor brought the issues of codependency up during one of our sessions. He gave me a little book to read and it immediately changed how I viewed relationships from that point forward.
But that's not the fun part, is it? You all want to hear about all the failed relationships and all the drama they created, right? Good, because that's what you're going to get.
All of this codependency crap started pretty much at birth. You can tell that from the backstory, right? Ok good. So, the first "relationship"...I had just turned 15 and I had this pretty sweet 10 speed bike with reflectors and everything. A girl that I had grown up with since I was like 3 or 4 lived about 2 miles from me. I would go over to her house after school and we would watch tv, listen to music, do some shitty arts & and crafts, and make out. I didn't know what sex was at this point in my life. I was kinda naive, I guess. Boy did she know what it was. This went on for a long time off and on.
There were no other relationships worth mentioning from this point until around the time I started working for Ayrix Technologies (you know I'm a nerd, right?). I bought a computer with my first paycheck and used my free dial-up to get on AOL for the first time. This literally changed my life. I would like to say for the better, but it only brought drama and heartbreak for quite a while.
Anyways, AOL brought me into some local rooms, full of girls/women and guys like me. It was a virtual meat market...literally. I didn't have any relationships of substance from 17 to 19. Those two years were filled with perpetual one-night stands. Healthy, huh?
This brings me to The Baby Mama. I met her in the AOL chatrooms and we decided to go out on a date. I met her at the movies in Clinton. We saw The Count of Monte Cristo (or however you spell it...). She brought her best friend, who was friendzoned from the word go but didn't know it. She and I hit it off rather well.
I was nose deep in my addiction at this point and I looked and felt like shit. She didn't allow drugs and alcohol around her, so I thought this would be a good way to escape that world. I was young and dumb, ok?
A week into dating, I was headed to a EDM party in downtown Jacktown. I never made it. It was raining on this particular night, I was hopped up on coke, and driving a top-heavy SUV. I know most of you are familiar with the High St. exit coming from 55S and the big ass steep curve it has. I hit a pothole at the apex of the curve and flipped my truck 3 or 4 times. The center console ended up 50 yards from where I stopped flipping.
I was taken to the ER at UMC. They did a BAC and tested me for a bajillion different drugs. I knew I was fucked as soon as my grandmother got there. She didn't say a word about it. Ol' girl didn't know how to take it.I had a broken rib and sprained ankle so I was bed-ridden for 3 days, eating Tylox like they were skittles. I didn't want to leave my bed. This is were my love for opiates skyrocketed.
Once I was healed, she decided that she wanted me to move in with her. After twoish weeks of dating. I didn't have a car, a job, or any money, so I jumped at the idea. This signaled the "beginning of the end" as I affectionately call it now.
She and I dated for 10 months before she was starting to show, so we got married. Did I want to at the time? Not especially, but she was pregnant. I felt obligated. Things got better for a while. Around the 4 year mark, I had started to have enough. She was pregnant with our second child, and her emotions had completely left her. It was as if she had given up on life. I felt trapped.
Our son was born 7 weeks premature. He spent those 7 weeks in two different NICUs. I was totally crushed, drained of all energy and feelings. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world was on the verge of being taken from me. I was scared every day that my son wouldn't make it through the night. He's totally fine now and will be 7 in 2 1/2 months.
Her attitude never changed after our son came home for good. My love for her was transferred to my love for my son. He was now my reason for living. She withdrew even further. This led me back to the internet. It was Yahoo Chat this time. I wanted the feeling of being wanted that I had lost out on with my wife.
This is when I met a girl that would change my life; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I instantly felt attracted to her. I didn't care that there was a 9 1/2 year difference in age; she "got me". I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and give me great advice. I started hatching a plot to leave my wife. Little did I know that plans would change...
I became more and more immersed in the chat rooms and some of the people that occupied them. I met this girl that instantly clung to me. She needed what I needed. We could provide that for each other. She said she was leaving the Midwest and heading down South. I finally left my wife, telling her how she made me feel for the past few years. I laid it all out on the table and she agreed on most everything. I told her that I would be leaving soon.Little did she know that I didn't plan on staying more than 24 hours. I left for work with enough clothes to last me through the weekend until I could provide a place to stay for the both of us...and her child. That was more than I bargained for. Things turned to shit rather quickly when I figured out that she was still married to babydaddy.
She left the day before babydaddy got back from Afghanistan. When I found that out, I felt even more like shit. Hello depression! Life was monotonous for the next few months: work, home, sleep, repeat. I was a shell of a person; until previous girl came back into my life.
I had started drinking heavily and in one of my best thinking moments, I decided to drive 10 hours one way and pick up Kentucky. This started the almost 2 year period where I learned the most about myself and who I was and who I wanted to be. Kentucky really brought out the best and the worst of me, pretty much at her will. I was putty in her hands and she knew it. I think she would say that she was putty in my hands too. We each fashioned each other into who we wanted us to be. My kids loved Kentucky, and so did I. I thought I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.
Alcoholism kinda intervened and shot that to shit. My drinking never did really stop when I brought Kentucky back. It got progressively worse, not to mention my opiate abuse picked up again. I was drinking away any negative feelings I felt and accentuating the positive things. Pretty smart, huh? Things got real rough when I started blacking out on a regular basis. I woke up one time to straddling her and pinning her wrists to the ground. She had bruises and cuts on her face. I went to jail. I vowed to stop drinking, and put it down for a little bit, but went back to being a blackout drunk. Things got tense between us and things came to a head rather quickly. I broke her cell phone into a few pieces and told her to take her ass back to Kentucky where she came from. I thought that would be the end of that, but I was gladly mistaken.
After Kentucky left, I met Maine on OkCupid. We hit it off and started spending every night together after I got off work. Things were really strained b/c of her benzo addiction and my alcohol and opiate issues. We dated off and on for about 6 months. During one of the off periods, I had a mental breakdown. I attempted suicide and ended up in a psych ward. Kentucky was the only one that would answer my calls. No family, no friends, just Kentucky. It really let me know where I stood with a lot of people.
I got out of the psych ward and Maine started answering my calls again. She decided she wanted to try to work things out. I went over on Valentine's Day and we did the deed in the back of my Crown Vic dope boy car. What a way to spend the most romantic holiday of the year, huh?
That's pretty much how things went for the next four months. This led to more and more drinking. And even more drinking. Did I mention a lot of drinking? Ok good. It was during another off period that I got my DUI and started this journey. Once I got out of jail, she and I reconnected again and she told me how much she missed me and that she was shopping for an engagement ring to give me. I was kinda taken aback by all of this and pretty much took it at face value. That same night, she told me that she was going back to Maine. I had to break up with her shortly thereafter b/c I couldn't handle being with someone knowing that they were going to be moving 2k miles away at any moment. I kept in touch by text for a while. She called me once she got to Maine and told me she was getting married to an old boyfriend. I was dumbfounded. I wished her the best of luck, hung up, and promptly got rid of every trace of her in my life. Protip: Do not date someone addicted to uppers while you're addicted to downers. Doesn't work out.
So I went about doing my recovery thing, going to A&D classes, then AA meetings. I decided that I no longer wanted to be on this planet if I couldn't consume alcohol any longer and took half a bottle of sleeping pills. I woke up three days later, went to a meeting, and asked my sponsor to take me back to the psych ward. Bad idea.
I met another addict in treatment not far from where I was. I'll call her Bama. She and I were inseparable from the moment I came on the ward. We had made plans to meet up after she was out of treatment and start a relationship. I don't know how we were going to do it b/c we didn't exchange any contact info, but we were going to do it, damnit!
Turns out, some other patient was jealous of us hanging out and told the nurses that she and I were fucking. I don't know how that's possible when we were always out in the middle of everything, fully clothed, and in separate chairs. Either way, the nurses said that one or both of us had to leave the ward. I didn't want her to get thrown out of treatment, so I left.
I went back home and tried to find employment so I could pay off all my fines and get my license back. I tried for a month and gave up. I went to treatment to learn how to live a sober life. After completing primary, I was moved into secondary living. They have a computer with internet access. I looked Bama up on fb and sent a friend request. She finally got access to her phone and added me. She told me that she had relapsed after leaving the psych ward and was in North MS now. We picked up where we left off making plans for graduation from treatment. I never heard from her again. C'est la vie.
This brings me to my current relationship. I'm going to call her Byram. I met her on OkCupid too. Thankfully, she isn't as crazy as Maine. Byram and I haven't found anything that we don't have in common yet. It's been a few weeks, but we've been talking nonstop since she first texted me.
I've been offered a position outside the transportation radius with hours later than treatment would allow. This position will pay me more than I've ever made in my life, with benefits that would blow your mind. It was because of this position that I made the decision to leave treatment. Byram decided it would be a good thing if I stayed at her house, so here I am.
I hope you had fun reading this...it was a bitch to write.
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