Decoding The Journal pt. 2

This is the next entry in my journal. I know this because I started a new paragraph. Beyond this, things get kinda murky. I would rather start where I left off than start a new entry. Looking back, this really fucks with my head...but my head was kinda fucked up at the time.

Today has been a weird day so far. Everything around me seems out of order. I feel as if I should be reflecting on my time in treatment up to now, but my mind won't stop long enough to get a coherent thought pattern. I've tried writing poetry and writing out my stream of consciousness as a way to slow the thoughts and it works for a time, but always revs back up. When my mind isn't racing it's blank, and that frightens me a little. I didn't have a sex dream last night for the first time since I've been here. I don't know what to make of that. I've started thinking about Haley again. I wonder if she thinks about me too? I have a feeling I'll see her again before it's all said and done. I know a relationship is bad news but a friendship would be nice. I wrote her a letter when I got home from St. Dom's BHU, but I threw it away during a manic episode. I sure am glad that those have slowed down while I'm in treatment. I don't know how I'd deal with them, as bad as they were, surrounded by strangers in a foreign environment. I'm kinda scared to go to secondary. I'm afraid that I won't know how to deal with some of the people there and vice versa. I really have learned a lot about myself both by my thought process and by my actions in certain situations. I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright. I really miss listening to music. I miss the peaceful feeling it gave me. As crazy as this sounds, I miss Ayrne. I know she's where she needs to be and with who she wants to be around, but my selfishness wants her back with me. It's not healthy b/c all I really want to do is help her. Good ol' codependency. Anyways, I've made some good friends here and I hope we can get together outside of treatment.

Still all over the place, but I'm able to write more about a single topic than last time. There's hope for me yet.